I’m sort of frustrated that it took me until 36 years old to really appreciate this, but there is absolutely a huge difference between constructive criticism and criticism intended to cause pain and lower self-esteem.
I think so much of being a young man and spending time around other men is giving each other a hard time. When everyone is doing it in good faith, this can be fun, and also can be a low-stakes way to bring up genuine criticism without actually cutting the other person down.
And of course, more straightforward criticism can also be very helpful, without hurting the other person.
I think my problem is that I spent a lot of time around people whose criticism was intended to cause harm that I couldn’t really differentiate between them.
There aren’t many people left in my life that do the latter, and as a result it is much easier to identify when it’s more problematic. In general, I have cut out of my life the people who intend to hurt me.
The difference is not always incredibly obvious, though I’ve found it tends to feel a similar way, and there are usually a handful of associated aspects of how its done or the person doing it that make it clear this is what’s happening.
Genuine, constructive criticism is almost always given tactfully and with sensitivity to feelings. An emotionally intelligent individual will also typically present the criticism with some restraint, as if they are unsure that the criticism is valid.
In this way, it comes across as a mere idea, which you are free to consider and accept or dismiss. This is generally much easier for the receiving party to deal with.
Even when people are being more direct with each other and giving one another a hard time, it can still be done without the intent to cause harm or truly cutting down the recipient.
One notable characteristic of this is that the one giving the criticism is usually giving the criticism cheerfully. They may be laughing, they are probably being playful. All of this takes the edge off the criticism, allowing the recipient, once again, to accept it or dismiss it as a joke if they are more comfortable with that.
It is never done with a negative, annoyed, cutting tone.
And that brings me to the number one characteristic of criticism intended to cut you down and harm self-esteem: it is done with a negative, annoyed, cutting tone.
It’s sort of hard to describe, but there’s something incredibly specific about it. Because it’s not true exasperation. It isn’t like they are just disappointed in something you did and are just trying to help at this point.
It’s an attack.
They sense weakness, and they pounce. Their tone and words convey not that you need to fix anything, but that you should feel bad about yourself.
Here are some other things that tend to be associated with it:
- The thing they are attacking is often a more general failing as opposed to something you can actually fix
- They often will happy and positive and then flip a switch with startling speed, increasing the impact of their attack
- If they do criticize something that could actually be fixed, its often something quite broad as opposed to one specific thing that you could fix right away
- Generally the type of criticism given makes you seem foolish, stupid, reckless, or careless and makes them seem intelligent, controlled, or cool by comparison
- The criticism is chosen carefully; it’s never about something that you clearly are more competent in
- The criticisms may or may not be rooted in some truth, but most of the time they are in response to something that isn’t truly representative (e.g. a momentary lapse of judgement or skill, or brain fart of some kind)
At the end of the day, I believe that the cause of this type of criticism is always insecurity on the part of the attacker. They feel insecure and have found that attacking others and trying to bring them down makes them feel better about themselves.
Thinking about my past, I’ve realized that some of my friendships were characterized by tons of this type of behavior. So much so, that I actually started to internalize some of the criticism and think that it was legitimate.
But it wasn’t.
Some of the worst perpetrators even seem to go out of their way to build you up in private and give you lots of complements, but then bide their time and wait for the perfect moment to attack you to inflict the most damage. Often, this is when you’re in a larger group setting and most vulnerable, or perhaps before an important event where you could easily be thrown off.
I really got to thinking about this because I spent more time than usual with a friend lately, and while things were good at first, eventually some of this behavior came out. He started to randomly attack me.
It made me realize that I hadn’t really experienced that in a while. And I hated it.
I’ve come to realize that, even when you aren’t totally aware that it’s happening, it still makes you feel a certain way. You sort of feel confused, and self-conscious. You might feel immediately angry at the person who’s attacking you.
But it’s hard to retaliate, because – after all – it was you who made the mistake, right?
Right?
I feel like it’s easy to simply be defensive in these situations. It’s generally reasonable to point out that it was just a brief lapse.
But they’ll just double down and attack you even more if you try to defend yourself. Because it was never about logic, it was always about ego and power.
And that might leave you feeling even more confused, because deep down you know it wasn’t that big of a deal yet you are being attacked for it anyway.
I’m not totally sure what the appropriate response is. Not being friends with that person anymore might honestly be justified.
I don’t think I’m going to be able to help myself but to call it out directly the next time it happens. I don’t know how that will go. And it certainly won’t solve the original cause: the attacker being insecure. In fact, it will likely accomplish the opposite.
I suppose I could try more or less ignoring it, and then talking to them about it privately.
Since I’ve never really tried either, I don’t know how they will go.
More recently I’ve turned it back around on the attacker and pointed out how they are being whiny about stupid things that, in general, have to do with favors I’m doing them. It makes them seem petulant and unreasonable. Which, again, doesn’t solve the root cause. But at least it gets them off my back for a bit.
Either way, I won’t tolerate this behavior from people around me anymore. And fortunately, most of the people that are still in my life don’t do it.
So I don’t have to worry about it too much.
I just wish I had realized all of this like… All the way back in high school. It would have gotten me away from the wrong people far sooner, and also would have prevented much of the damage that they did.