I Need to Totally Recalibrate How I View and Experience Things – Especially Being Alone

I’ve often mentioned here how I’d like to sort of get away from all social media and all silly entertainment, and I finally feel now like I’ve pretty much done that. YouTube had long since been the holdout, but I’ve been using the Screen Zen app and it has successfully gotten rid of the habit.

It’s not that I don’t ever use YouTube now, but the app basically just bugs me to get off it, and I do. So I went from averaging probably almost 2 hours per day on YouTube down to maybe 10 minutes per day. Which is great!

But I feel like a lot of wiring in my brain is being reworked.

I’ve been practicing a ton of guitar and reading a lot. And… Not much else, beyond work and normal, in-person socializing.

What I spend my time on has seen a massive shift away from mindless entertainment and far more onto productive practicing and reading in other languages. Both are things I’ve wanted to prioritize, and now I am.

But I think it necessitates a recalibration of many things. Some of this will happen naturally, and some I probably need to put some thought into.

Historically, almost any time I found myself home alone on a weekday (or worse: weekend), I found myself feeling very lonely and itching for some kind of distraction.

And I always found that distraction: mostly in mindless entertainment.

Over the years, any time I felt that tinge of restlessness or loneliness, I would just turn to YouTube or just watching movies or shows, and I could successfully ignore it.

But now I’m not doing that. The feeling is still there, but I’m channeling that energy into practicing things and reading.

Whereas in the past I never saw those as pleasurable activities, I feel like they are slowly becoming so as more and more time goes by and I get away from any social media or entertainment addiction.

I’ve heard a lot about “dopamine resets,” which may be largely nonsense as a concept. But while there may be no way to “reset” things in one go, I think that if I can avoid all of the mindless entertainment as an ongoing state that it will greatly increase my enjoyment of good, healthy things.

Since it’s all still kind of new, I don’t know for sure, but that certainly feels like how things are going.

So I’ll keep paying attention to that and see where it gets me.

I’ll also work on avoiding giving into any temptation when I feel that boredom or loneliness or… Whatever.

I think being bored is a gift. Maybe nothing productive or healthy sounds fun in a moment, and that’s okay. Maybe I should just be bored for once.

I don’t need to be stimulated every second of every day.

We’ll see how things go in the future, but I’m hopeful they will keep improving in this area.

It’s Been Bothering Me that I’ve Been Too Focused on Entertainment Rather Than Anything Deeper

I feel like I’ve become increasingly restless in my life, (figuratively) and I’m starting to realize it’s because I feel I’ve focused almost everything in my life on enjoyment of entertainment and experiences.

Recently I’ve been very torn because I’ve sort of been planning a long Mexico trip and have been trying to work out logistics.

But I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not excited about doing a long trip like that. And it took me a while to figure out why.

I’ve spent so much of my life simply trying to experience things, hoping that it would make me happy. But it hasn’t, and I think it’s because it’s just… Not that deep. It doesn’t provide meaning or progression.

I’ve had some great experiences, don’t get me wrong. But that’s not enough by itself.

For travel: I feel like I’ve gotten away from my initial goal of travel, which was to connect with other people, cultures, and places. But lately I’ve felt more like a tourist; traveling around just for hedonistic pursuits like adventure-seeking, food, etc.

Lately I’ve gotten really into improving my guitar playing and also focusing on consistency with my weight training. The latter has been more successful then ever thanks to my CPAP therapy.

So it feels like I finally have things that are deeper and worth pursuing, and that’s really where I want to focus my time.

If I go travel for three months, both of those things will fall by the wayside. Not to mention the fact that I’ll need to spend a lot of extra money.

Before CPAP, I sort of felt like I had no energy after working to put towards any pursuits other than just entertainment, basically. But now I have way more energy. Plus I think I finally broke my last social media vice (YouTube) and now find myself far more focused and motivated to actually do things.

I may still travel, but at this point I am thinking it will be just one or two shorter trips. I’d rather stay home and focus over the winter.

I think I Genuinely need 9+ Hours of Sleep For the Time Being

I slept 8 hours last night, and I can feel that I didn’t sleep enough and it has actually caused problems.

I’ve mostly been getting an actual 9 hours of sleep lately, and that’s been working pretty well for me. I’m just a little surprised to see that 1 hour less and I’m suffering the consequences.

My workout was incredibly disappointing. I’ve struggled all day to stay concentrated, especially as the day goes on. I feel tired and brain-foggy.

I think that what’s happening is that I’m still aggressively healing from my decades of sleep apnea, and my body has become used to the 9 hours I’m usually asleep and is fully utilizing that time to heal. If I don’t get the full amount, I’m going to suffer.

It’s also possible that I need much more sleep than most because my workouts have become increasingly intense, and it just takes a lot of time and energy to repair my muscles after each session.

But since I’m actively improving in many areas still, I have to assume it’s because I’m healing.

Regardless, it doesn’t make much sense to worry about it much until a year has passed and/or I stop improving.

I’m hoping that eventually, I’ll start feeling great with much less sleep. If I had a couple more hours each day to be productive, that would be tremendously beneficial in my life.

The purpose of this post, though, is just to establish that, for now, it’s really important that I sleep at least 9 hours. Whatever it takes to get that, I need to do. Otherwise I’m just setting myself up for failure in many ways.

I Shouldn’t Dismiss Things that Lack “Research Evidence”

I feel like it’s easy in today’s day and age to live and die but we call “science”. While I’m a whole-hearted believer in science, I think that it’s really important to acknowledge its shortcomings and recognize that we are often applying the results of studies far too broadly.

Nowhere is this more pronounced than it is in long-term studies of health and wellness.

At least how it’s done today, these studies aim to follow huge groups of people with diverse backgrounds and see whether a given aspect of how they live is beneficial or not.

But here’s the problem: everyone is different. What works for one person may not work for another. Some things that may be useless for one person may be life-changing to another.

Much of the time, we have no way of seeing behind the scenes to understand what’s going on or why some things work great for some people but not others.

But I’ve had an example lately where that’s not the case.

I’ve seen YouTube videos that champion the idea of “mouth taping” at night to force people to breath through their nose. Proponents claim that their live was completely changed by this simple thing.

Now, I suffer from obstructive sleep apnea. In my case, I stop breathing whether I’m breathing through my mouth or nose. Simply taping my mouth closed is not going to accomplish anything.

Likewise, many people have no problems breathing only through their nose at night, even without taping their mouth shut.

I suspect that the only people who would benefit are people who:

  • Suffer from mild sleep apnea but only when breathing through their mouth
  • Can tolerate mouth-taping

I would venture a guess that this is not a large group of people. And anyone outside of this narrowly-defined group would probably see little-to-no benefit from doing this.

If they were to do studies on mouth taping, I suspect that they would find that it’s ultimately quite negative overall and they would say that you shouldn’t do it.

And yet, some people would get significant benefit from it.

Or let’s say they did a study about diet and concluded that grains are bad for you and decrease a number of measures of health.

It may be the case that many people truly are intolerant or allergic to gluten and that these people are weighing down the results. If you were to exclude them, you may find that the remaining participants in the study are actually far healthier eating grain.

I’ve generally heard that vegetarians tend to be healthier overall, but I suspect there are variables at play that either can’t be adjusted for, or aren’t even known.

For example, it might be that many people who become vegetarian and stick to it actually have some problem digesting meat. I had a roommate that claimed even a tiny amount of residual meat on clean dishes would make him quite ill, and would insist on using only his own dishes and never mixing anything.

I’m quite incredulous of that claim, mostly because I saw him on numerous occasions using my knives or other dishes that had just been used on meat, and he was fine. Nevertheless, it’s likely that many vegetarians do truly have problems digesting meat, and may see huge benefits to their health by remaining vegetarian that others would not have.

Weight loss is an interesting category. “Studies” have shown that aerobic activity actually makes people gain weight, and that “diets” don’t work for losing weight. Not all studies have shown that, of course, but taken with the populace at large, these things supposedly are not effective.

And yet… They work. If you hang around weight training and bodybuilding circles, there is no mystery whatsoever about gaining or losing weight. If someone expressed doubt that reducing their caloric intake would result in losing weight, they would be laughed at and mocked.

And what they are saying is not only true, but most people in this space don’t seem to have too much trouble gaining or losing weight.

So where’s the disconnect?

I’d argue that the average person has little to no agency in terms of affecting change in their life. They follow a script and rarely deviate from it. They do what they feel like.

You can’t tell them to just “eat less” because they won’t.

Someone who is a bodybuilder has probably already demonstrated that they do not fit this mold at all. They are capable of doing difficult, even painful things in order to improve themselves. For them, eating a little less is no great challenge.

These are all just examples. They may be flawed in parts, but the main point I’m making is that just because some research has determined something doesn’t work, doesn’t mean that it should be discounted entirely.

Obviously pseudo-science and outright falsehoods abound, but I suspect there are tons of things in this world that are not supported by consensus in the modern scientific community, yet may be tremendously beneficial for specific individuals.

Or if you look at people who are top performers in just about anything… It’s easy – especially when looking at high-earners – to simply point to survivorship bias. To say that they didn’t do anything to get there, and that the vast majority of people doing what they did failed.

We may look at their habits and routines and point to evidence that says those things do not work, and it would be supported by evidence.

But what if a given routine just doesn’t work for most people? 

The vast majority of people could not handle most of the tactics bodybuilders don’t even think twice about.

I have to believe that there are tons of things that would be tremendously beneficial to individuals either of unusually-high intelligence or self-discipline. I think I need to be completely open to that possibility, and not write-off things just because the previous studies haven’t found them to be beneficial among the general population.

The general population isn’t capable of tons of things that are helpful. I may find considerable value in places others have written off.

I Need to Think of Myself Like a Plant

This post is basically just a rehash of my post from a week or two ago, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot more and it really feels extremely relevant.

Basically, I need to think of myself like a plant.

What does that mean?

Plants don’t think or feel. They simply do their thing. Some are far more successful than others, and it’s all a combination of the right conditions that allow them to thrive.

And I’m realizing more and more that we are more or less the same.

We think we’re so smart and can will our way through anything, but at the end of the day our output is almost exactly correlated with our inputs.

None of my most productive days have ever come after a terrible night’s sleep, when I’m hungover, or when I’m sick. And more than likely nearly all of my best days have followed a period of sobriety, great sleep, and low stress.

It may feel in the moment like bursts of energy and creativity are totally spontaneous, but they aren’t at all. They come when all of your inputs are optimized and you’re feeling good as a result.

I honestly feel really silly for never realizing this before.

I once wrote that it’s arrogance to be too idealistic or optimistic about yourself or your abilities; especially regarding your willpower. While calling it “arrogant” feels like a bit of a judgement, the fact remains that thinking you can still be at your best even when you’re feeling terrible is simply false.

I feel like now that I have this understanding, I need to strive to maximize my inputs as much as possible. I need to get everything in place and do just about everything right on a consistent basis to maximize my output.

Throughout this blog I’ve spoken about weight training, and one thing that I like about it is that it provides objective feedback about how I’m doing. Whereas tracking a subjective measure of how I’m feeling may not always yield valuable results, the objective nature of weight training can’t be biased and is often far more useful.

I’ve started really focusing on giving myself the correct inputs to improve at weight training, and it has started to pay off. I’m rapidly approaching the strongest I’ve ever been. I can almost immediately tell that my efforts have paid off.

These results directly prove my idea. If I eat well (and enough), provide adequate rest and recovery, and don’t drink too much or otherwise sabotage myself, I can put in a great effort in each session and the next time I’ll be able to lift more.

It doesn’t really matter how much effort I’ve put in during the workout. At least not the “conscious” kind of effort requiring me to push myself uncomfortably hard.

If all the conditions are met, I will push myself the correct amount and I will immediately be rewarded with tangible results.

This may not be as obvious in other areas of life simply because I don’t have an obvious, objective measure. But I feel like there’s no question that it’s there. The impact is likely far greater in my life more broadly than it is just for weight training. After all: while there is a limit to how much I could conceivably lift (and I’m already a good chunk of the way there), there’s no limit to how “successful” I can be.

So this may be a nearly identical re-hash of the other blog post, but I’ve just continued thinking about it and felt I needed to expand upon it a bit more.

Armed with this understanding, I may have to change many things in my life.

 

Giving Anything Up Makes me Vulnerable to Slipping Elsewhere

This is one of those posts that feels a little bit like… Duh. But it’s still worth discussing.

Recently, I uninstalled the YouTube app from my phone, because I wasting way too much time using it. The goal was, of course, to not waste time on YouTube.

And I found that the first day after that, I was very anxious and had a hard time concentrating. As a result, I slipped in other areas.

It took me a long time to get going with work, and other tasks that I as trying to complete just didn’t get done.

Granted, I now know that I was also coming down with covid at the time, so it’s not entirely fair.

But even so, I think the point stands: when trying to quit something, you use up a lot of your willpower and energy and it makes other things harder.

I just need to be careful with that. I can’t let everything fall apart when I’m trying to accomplish just one thing.

I’ve also realized that I still have a social media problem. Because now I’m just using the YouTube website a lot, now that I don’t have the app. It’s not better.

I’ve tried to get my social media use down to near zero and I’ve struggled to do it. I think the addiction is actually way more powerful than anyone thought.

That’s it for now. I think I’ll try to really get rid of YouTube (and all social media) going forward.

If I Have the Right Conditions, I Thrive – What Feels like Self-Discipline Often Isn’t

I’m currently dealing with my second bout with covid. Even so, today I got up early, I got my studying in quickly, I got all my work done and was productive there, and I even added in a weight training session and a sunset walk around the neighborhood.

Many of these things – especially the physical activities – weren’t really planned. I kind of just did them.

And it made me realize that a huge percentage of my behavior is really just based upon having the right conditions. I like to believe that I’m a free-willed being that strategically uses discipline and willpower to do exactly what’s needed at any given moment.

But in reality, I’m starting to think I have more in common – day-to-day – with a hamster that just needs to have enough food, water, clean bedding, and a wheel.

I think back to times when I’ve been super productive and even gone above and beyond on extra projects, and I’m realizing that it wasn’t any extraordinary effort or careful planning or anything like that. I just… Did it. I finished all my normal tasks, and still felt like accomplishing things, so I did.

And then I think about times when I wasn’t nearly as productive. And often it’s just the case that I got to the end of the day and just had nothing left in the tank. No desire to get anything done.

Now that I’m stating all of this, it seems so incredibly obvious. And yet I feel like I’ve almost never expressed in this blog before how critical it is that I get these conditions right.

Maybe it’s because I’ve so infrequently done it, so I never really knew.

Either way, I now believe that there is almost nothing more important than setting up the right conditions for myself to thrive. These are things like:

  • Getting adequate, quality sleep (treating sleep apnea is obviously key here)
  • Not drinking much or at all
  • Keeping up with exercise (both weight training and cardio)
  • Eating well
  • Staying hydrated
  • Staying on top of work
  • Keeping my home well-maintained
  • Keeping personal relationships in order and an active social life
  • Keeping up with hobbies

Of these, the first two are probably by far the most important both short and long-term. As long as those are good, I should generally have the energy to handle all of the rest.

Now clearly, self-discipline still has its place. And energy should still be used strategically, especially for things like building effective habits. But those are all multipliers.

I feel like establishing these conditions is really the base of my productivity and well-being, from which all success – in all areas – springs. Habits, willpower, and just about everything else – including productivity “hacks” – are really just going to be multipliers beyond that.

But 0 times 1000 is still 0. So if you don’t have the base established, you’re still going nowhere.

And either way, it is far easier to establish a new habit or stay on track if all of these conditions are met. When I’m well-rested and everything else is in place, it feels like I can do anything easily. There’s far less need for discipline or “willpower”.

While improvements from treating my sleep apnea haven’t come quite as quickly as I had hoped, I’m realizing now that many of them have absolutely have come.

Before treatment, it felt like I was exhausting all my willpower every day just to do the bare minimum. I didn’t have these conditions met, and so every day was kind of a struggle.

It wasn’t immediately obvious because I wasn’t “dropping the ball” on anything critical just to keep going, but long-term I think it manifested in lack of growth and other long-term initiatives stagnating.

But now… Even while recovering from covid, things are easier than they were. I can finish everything and still have energy left for more projects.

Obviously it’s better when I’m not sick, but the point remains that I didn’t have this before. It’s very subtle in that I don’t actively “feel” super different, but my behavior is totally different. I can get so much more done, my thinking is way more clear, and really it’s just all better.

Going forward, I need to prioritize getting these conditions right nearly all of the time. That may even entail near or total teetotaling. I’ve intentionally not really placed any limitations on myself in that area since ending my year-long break, just to compare. But the results seem to be clear: the benefits do not outweigh the cost.

I haven’t made any firm decisions yet, but either way: I will be much more conscientious going forward about making sure all my conditions are met to maximize my success – in all areas.

I’m Growing Tired of a life of Entertainment, and Increasingly Interested in Creation & Connection

I’ve had a variety of posts in the past that touch on some of these themes, but more than ever, I feel myself becoming less interested in simply being entertained or consumption and more interested in creating things of my own or genuine connection with others.

This is particularly evident after a night where I just stayed in and played games or watched shows or movies. If that’s all I did, the next day I always just kind of feel hollow. Like I wasted the whole day.

Conversely, when I focus on improving myself – whether that’s reading, developing a hobby like guitar or disc golf or another sport – or just socializing and connecting with others, it feels much more rewarding.

I think I’m at a point in my life now where I just really need to focus on improving myself more and getting into the habit of almost exclusively engaging in activities that are going to bring me long-term improvement and satisfaction.

And simply consuming entertainment is not going to do that.

It’s not to say I can never just enjoy things. And particularly at this moment, I feel like it still has a place as I feel like I improve after my sleep apnea diagnosis. I don’t want to be too hard on myself, and sometimes it’s totally fine to just relax and enjoy something.

But I want to continue moving towards creation and improvement. I think that is going to really help me long-term.

I want to cultivate a sense that I’m providing value to the world and to myself beyond just my job. That I am inherently talented and capable.

I suspect it may just be human nature to desire that. Regardless of why I want it, I feel that it is quite important and I’d like to achieve it.

Historically, it has often felt overwhelming to focus on anything difficult after work. It has sort of felt like just doing my work and working out were the only things I had the bandwidth for, and so the rest of the time all I could do was just enjoy entertainment.

But as my energy returns, I’m starting to feel like I can and should be doing way more than that. So that’s what I’ll do!

I’m sure similar ideas and updates on this same one will come up over time.

 

On the Importance of Sleep

If there’s one specific topic that comes up more than any other in this blog, it’s sleep.

Time and time again I have recognized the issues with my sleep schedule and attempted to fix them, only to fail over and over again.

It’s time I finally did something about it.

I feel like I constantly have brain fog, except on days when I sleep really long. But if I sleep really long, I can’t sleep well the next night, and my problems continue.

It’s possible the implications of this are massive.

So for starters, I’m going to finally do the one thing they’ve been telling us to do for ages. I’m going to put my phone in a different room and sleep without it near me. I just bought an alarm clock and am finally going to try that out. It might make a big difference!

I’ll probably also try to minimize doing anything else in bed. Without a phone, I’m hoping it’s way easier to just get up immediately and get going. I should probably also not do anything else in bed, including reading. I might have to either read in another room or get a chair I can read in.

I think my sleep has just generally been pretty terrible, and even though I’m spending a lot of time in bed, it’s not quality sleep and as a result, my memory is terrible and I have constant brain fog.

Overall, I think I need to do all of the following things:

  • Leave phone in another room
  • Get up at the same time every day
  • Limit time in bed to like 8.5 hours
  • Don’t do anything in bed other than sleep
  • Get out of bed right away after the alarm goes off and no snoozing
  • No naps

I need to develop my circadian rhythm and I need to have quality sleep when I’m trying to sleep. Anything short of that is just going to cause serious problems for me.

I know I’ve tried similar things countless times before, but this time I’m serious. It has to happen.

I Always Seem to Believe that there is One Thing that is Holding me Back

If you were to read through my blog posts back-to-back, you’d probably come across a general theme.

I always seem to believe that I’d be performing better, if only I fixed this one thing.

That thing, of course, changes. It might be drinking, it might be my sleeping habits, it might be my relationship, the way my business is set up, nutrition, fitness, or other self-imposed limitations.

But I always seem to believe that my true potential – not just for accomplishment but for performance – has never actually been realized.

Almost all of the things mentioned do impact my performance. And I believe I am much better for having tried to optimize all of them.

But at the end of the day… I hate to say it, but I think this is kind of it. I’m never going to be a bottomless well of energy and I’m never going to magically start performing way better than I did before.

I think at this point I basically need to accept that, and take pragmatic steps forward.

All the building blocks are there. I’ve established time and again the importance of building habits and systems that can ensure that I’m performing day in and day out.

And I’ve had lots of successes. I’ve developed lots of great habits that have, indeed, carried me through many hardships and on to various accomplishments in other areas.

But overall, I feel that there’s still a huge ebb and flow of productivity. I get motivated and I go crazy, but then I go through a rough patch and I tell myself I need to relax and take it easy because I just need to recover.

Maybe I’m just trying to do too much at once. Maybe I need to ensure that I never add on more than one thing at a time. That I just add small little things to my day that will help me move forward with various projects.

I’m not sure exactly what the answer is, but I do think that it’s important to just acknowledge that this is more or less as good as it’s going to get, and then plan accordingly.