Category: Psychology

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I Need to be Mindful of What Activities I Truly Value

This thought crossed my mind and it was a bit shocking to me that I had never really considered it before.

What activities do I actually value? How do I want to spend my time?

It’s easy to just assume that you are always considering this and that the manner in which you spend your time always reflects what you value.

But the more I think about it, the more I think that’s a foolish assumption that also happens to be incorrect.

It’s easy to get stuck in the same old routine and do things simply because it’s what you have done.

Without a plan in place and some conscious effort, you’re also way more likely to simply choose easy things versus good things. You may even subconsciously justify it by convincing yourself that the easier thing is what you really wanted.

In my own life, I think there are obvious examples of things that I do that I don’t actually value that much. While I’m certainly not bad at all compared to the average American, I still spend a fair amount of time watching movies and TV shows.

And I really don’t find any of that time fulfilling. Even simply reading a book is virtually always a better use of my time. So in most cases, I feel that I should be doing that.

I’ve had the thought lately, too, that something like disc golf is actually surprisingly rewarding, and something that I value a great deal. It’s outdoors, it’s active, it’s social, it’s fun, and I really enjoy an activity that I’m always trying to improve at.

I think it’s really important to be aware of things like that and to plan accordingly.

I think it’s also important to be mindful of specifically what it is about an activity that I enjoy, so I can focus on what’s important.

For example, as a 30-something that spends time with lots of other 30-somethings, activities like going to breweries are quite common.

But what is it I value about those activities? Is it trying new beer?

No.

While that can be mildly enjoyable, what I value is spending time with my friends. That’s it.

If I keep that in mind, I think I can focus a lot more on what’s important and simply enjoy that.

But also knowing that the brewery part of things simply isn’t important to me, I can suggest other social activities that I do find more rewarding.

Going on hikes, kayaking, and doing other outdoor group activities have always been great experiences for me, and I should continue to try to emphasize those and try to plan plenty of events to do those things with my friends.

As I’m writing this, I can’t help but feel like everything I’m saying is common sense and it should always be in the back of everyone’s mind at all times.

But I’m not sure that it actually is.

In this case, I think it’s far better to state these things explicitly and make a conscious effort to determine what’s important and then focus on that.

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How I Work Best: Setting Goals and Making them Happen

I just read one of my very first blog posts I ever shared here. It’s private so only I can see it.

In it, I lament that I didn’t feel like a top performer, and then talk at length about my younger days and how I maybe did feel that way.

But the example was how I managed to end up ranked #1 in my high school class. Long story short, I had that goal, and I essentially took advantage of all the loopholes I could while doing the bare minimum to accomplish it.

In short, I got it done.

In that blog post, I think I maybe missed the point entirely.

I discussed how maybe I didn’t even deserve it and how it really wasn’t just brute intelligence or ability that allowed me to succeed.

Which is true… But largely irrelevant.

At the end of the day, I did it. I had a goal, and I did what was necessary to accomplish it.

I think to my more recent life. Sure, there’s nothing that makes me feel like I’m an elite performer at anything. There’s no specific talent or ability that I have that’s world-class.

But it wasn’t too long ago when I set out after a goal. I wanted to be able to travel the world. I wanted such complete freedom that I could totally set my own schedule and live abroad for half of the year while still running a successful business.

Ideally while still putting away for an early retirement and generally keeping my other goals and priorities in mind.

And you know what? I completely accomplished that goal within about a year.

It didn’t take any stroke of genius, unbelievable talent, or any other world-class ability to do.

What it did require was a great deal of self-sufficiency, problem solving, self-awareness, growth, determination, and goal-orientation.

Those are what I have.

Perhaps I even have those things to a quietly world-class extent.

Maybe not, but it’s possible!

At the end of the day, I’m making great progress and achieving my goals. I think the key from here is to really break things down into smaller, achievable goals that all build up to much larger goals.

I could start by saying that I’d like to do something I’ve never done yet: add 100 website hosting clients in 2023. I already know how to do it, I just have to work at that.

If I am constantly focusing on my goals and how I can achieve them, I honestly think I will.

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I Think I Should Try Eliminating Almost ALL Dopamine Hits

As I’ve become healthier recently through things such as drinking less, avoiding social media, and being more active, one of the most pleasant benefits has been that I tend to “feel” more.

I’m more likely to enjoy little moments and appreciate them deeply. I tend to be more receptive and affected by music or nature or beauty of any kind.

And it’s nice!

But it’s gotten me thinking… How can I really maximize that? Is there anything else in the way?

I’m naturally an extremely mellow person. My highs aren’t really that high but, in exchange, I don’t really have lows.

Which is… Good. It’s predictable and easy to manage.

But I think I’d like to feel more.

Attempting to do a Google search yields an intriguing discovery. It turns out, this is not a common question and, in fact, the opposite is an extremely common question.

Apparently people feel too much or just generally want to be able to get their emotions under control.

That certainly sounds more difficult than what I’m facing. But in this case doesn’t really help me.

The only things I could find suggested that people cut out all the dopamine hits they are getting on a regular basis. Alcohol, drugs, and social media are listed as the biggest offenders.

I feel that I’ve already gone about as far as I can with just cutting those things out.

And yet, I still feel like I crave – and give into – other things that really provide the same dopamine hit. Albeit much smaller, generally.

While they take way less time and provide much less stimulation than what I had been doing, I still find myself checking deal-hunter websites constantly and even Snapchat.

Generally, I check and am done within a minute. So the impact feels minimal.

But at the end of the day, I am still craving a distraction, and I’m giving into it every time. And that may be the very problem.

I noticed on my Patagonia trip that after spending days without internet or even simple things like music, when I did hear music, it was almost always amazing. I connected with it immediately no matter what it was and truly appreciated it.

I felt more.

It’s difficult to say what all went into that. Being in an incredible place and totally wearing yourself out physically each day may have played a part.

But I think the total lack of cheap distractions was probably the main cause.

And that’s something I could replicate in my day-to-day life.

So going forward, I really want to minimize my use of those websites and Snapchat, and more importantly: put a stop to all the times when I crave a distraction and go out and find it.

I think I’ll feel a whole lot better once I do that.

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The Goal isn’t to Live Outside Your Comfort Zone; The Goal is to Expand It

This seems really obvious to me now and also like something tons of other people have thought of, but I’ve never really heard it explained this way.

You hear about how going outside of your comfort zone leads to growth, or how pain is where you learn and grow.

Based on how people talk about it, you’d think that they are advocating going as far out of your comfort zone as possible, and staying there forever.

This is clearly not sustainable. And may actually explain the burnouts and crashes that many of these “high-performers” or extremists suffer.

I think the real goal is to regularly be going a bit outside of your comfort zone, and then having your comfort zone expand to meet you.

For example, the first couple times I traveled abroad, it was kind of terrifying. There are so many unknowns, both about the locations and about myself.

But as time passed, I became more comfortable in those places and in the knowledge that I’m always going to be able to figure things out for myself.

And that’s my comfort zone growing.

Traveling alone internationally and spending months living abroad no longer scares me much and isn’t outside of my comfort zone at all.

I think that if you consistently seek opportunities to go a bit outside your existing comfort zone, of the course of years you will find yourself with very little that scares you or makes you uncomfortable.

And for me, that’s a bit of the goal!

I want to learn about the world and myself. I want to experience new things all the time. And while my goal isn’t to eliminate anything that might make me uncomfortable, I do enjoy the idea that I could be totally comfortable with the vast majority of events and experiences that exist in the world.

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Social Media Sites are Designed to be Echo Chambers

I am certainly far from the first one to think of this, but it really is true. Social media sites are actually designed to be echo chambers.

It’s a problem that maybe was just never considered from the inception of social media, or perhaps if I were more cynical I’d say it was actually planned.

If you design a system that works hard to make people anxious and addicted to it, and then slowly show them more and more content that re-affirms their existing fears worst beliefs, you create an echo chamber.

The shocking part is just how vulnerable people are to this. All they need to do is simply be exposed to a stupid idea that resonates with them, and that’s all it takes. They click more and more of the same types of content that all peddle the same idiotic BS, and they only interact with other susceptible simpletons like themselves, and pretty soon they start getting more and more extreme in their views.

And there is no way to really shake them out of it. They are going to continue being presented with the same ridiculous views. And since those are the only views they encounter, they believe that they must be correct.

After all, everybody is saying it, and nobody is disputing it.

The pandemic likely made things much worse, since people were stuck at home on social media. It was just overall a bad situation.

I don’t use very many social media channels and of the ones I have, I don’t typically interact much, so I can’t truly say what they are doing about this or how things have changed.

From my limited time and experience on Facebook, it appears that what they’ve done to combat this effect is to mostly just show you niche hobby content or mindless entertainment.

I guess they figure that they are best off if their users maximize their time spent on the platform consuming pointless entertainment, rather than becoming extremists pushing for civil war and undermining the stability of the country in which the platform is based.

Which makes sense.

I just hope that these companies do enough to change things, and that they do it fast enough to avoid major problems in our country and in the world. It seems that people are getting dumber each day and the world order less stable, so time really is of the essence.

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Neuroticism is an Expensive and Severely Limiting Trait

I think that Neuroticism is an expensive and severely limiting trait.

I feel blessed to be less neurotic than average. Probably considerably so. And only recently have I started to realize just how freeing that is.

Having traveled with others and just generally worked with others on various tasks and towards various goals, I’ve seen it all in terms of different personality types and styles.

Particularly with traveling, I’ve realized that few could do what I’m doing, and surprisingly, it has little to do with their financial state, flexibility with work, or even personal relationships.

It’s their neuroticism.

They can’t deal with minor changes in a plan, and everything has to be planned. They worry about every possible outcome and it cripples them.

It’s like life is an opportunity to accumulate a list of all the possible dangers and pitfalls available so that you can successfully avoid them.

This, of course, results in doing nothing but staying home where it’s comfortable and safe.

Which happens to be exactly what most people eventually do.

It’s almost funny, by far the #1 question I’ve ever gotten regarding my travels is, “was it safe?”

Or variations on that, such as, “weren’t you worried about getting murdered?”

People don’t ask about the culture, they don’t ask about the cool places I’ve seen, or friends I’ve made. When they think of Latin America, they only think of danger. They know they couldn’t go, because they would be too afraid.

You can chalk a lot of that up to straight up ignorance. Danger is relative. If you’ve been to Chicago, Detroit, or St. Louis, you’ve probably been to places far more dangerous than almost anywhere I’ve been.

But that’s not even the point.

Their neuroticism forces them to focus only on what could go wrong, never on what could go right. 

Still along the lines of traveling, I almost always use Airbnbs or similar rentals. Many people couldn’t do it. They’d worry that the host won’t show up on time, or that it won’t be as nice as the photos, or that the owner will rob them.

So instead, they would only ever rent a hotel in a nice tourist area.

But whereas I typically don’t spend any more than $50-70 per night to live in nice apartments, they are likely to spend $400+ per night at high-end hotels, because those are the only places they are comfortable with.

Just one example of how expensive it is to be neurotic.

Cars are another great example. For most people, the idea of their car breaking down on them while they are out is one of the most horrifying thoughts imaginable. So they only buy new or almost new, high-end cars.

Now, if you are driving reliable brands like Honda or Toyota, the difference in reliability between a car with 0 miles and one with 100,000 miles is probably fairly minimal.

But more than likely the new car will cost 3-4 times more. That’s an expensive difference, especially if they are constantly trading their car in for a newer one.

They simply cannot risk the minor inconvenience of their care ever breaking down.

I may take this to the opposite extreme of only buying high-mileage cars, and I have the privilege of having the knowledge of how to maintain them and fix them.

But a really neurotic person wouldn’t have that option even if they had the same knowledge as me.

It’s true professionally, as well. In a lot of ways.

First, a neurotic person is less likely to venture into the unknown. They are going to be less likely to try new things and learn more. They may get great at something specific, but may not advance beyond that which will hurt their career.

But I see something perhaps even worse with business owners. Often, they’ve had one bad experience or one particular fear and it’s all they can think about. When building the site, they don’t ask things like,

“How can we increase sales?”

or,

“How can we make sure that the checkout process is streamlined?”

Instead, they spend 90% of their time and focus with the site on one tiny little issue. They had one bad experience on a website that wasn’t built well, and they spend countless hours refining a part of the website that’s always worked just fine.

It’s a waste of time, but because they are paying me, it’s a waste of money, too.

Of course, there are times when it makes sense to work hard in a specific area. But people often go well beyond that and hyper-focus on something that I’ve told them, as the expert, really doesn’t need any attention.

Some of this may be getting beyond neuroticism, I suppose, but I still think it’s important to highlight.

The fact that I’m comfortable going to other countries without much of a plan and without knowing anyone, and just figure it out, is quite freeing for me. I feel like anything is possible and I enjoy that I don’t know what’s coming.

I guess I just feel sad that not everyone can experience that, and it’s often just because they are too neurotic.

That’s not a moral judgement. I think it’s just a facet of personality that I’m not sure can be changed. And obviously is associated with anxiety and mental disorders.

I just genuinely feel bad that not everyone has that freedom.

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My Idealism May Come from a Religious Upbringing

It occurs to me that much of my idealism may come from my religious upbringing.

I remember learning about the Bible in school when I was little. And hearing about “turning the other cheek” and being taught about Jesus and other figures and how they always sacrificed themselves.

Those stories resonated with me.

Specifically, it was the idea of self-sacrifice. That you could ignore your own needs and desires and, ultimately, deny your own humanity and limitations.

It’s not really a realistic way to live, I now know. It doesn’t mean we can’t sacrifice ourselves to an extent and, of course, help others.

But the drowning man can’t help anyone but himself.

There’s a difference between denying your own wants, and denying your own needs.

The distinction was never clear as a kid, and arguably is never made within religious teachings.

Perhaps most pernicious is how these quixotic ideals can be applied to other areas.

If I should strive to a superhuman level of self-sacrifice, and if this is presented as a realistic option, then I should also be able to completely control myself in all areas and reach similarly superhuman levels of self-control and discipline.

I don’t think it even really occurred to me until the last few years how completely unrealistic and absurd it is.

Here’s a good example to illustrate this.

When I was young, I always just thought, “mind over matter”. I believed that, as an intelligent human, we can attain complete control over our own feelings and actions.

To the extent that I remember thinking (before I started drinking), that I would easily be able to just blast shots of liquor without any reaction at all, because I would have no trouble suppressing my reaction to what is, after all, only a flavor, right?

Because of my… I don’t know, superior self-control?

This is the kind of thing that, if I could speak to my younger self, I would mock relentlessly. Because it’s stupid.

Granted, I didn’t know at the time just how powerful the biological response is when consuming what is quite literally poison.

But the important thing here is how… I almost said naïve, but really arrogant or possibly just ignorant I was.

I truly thought I could just completely control myself.

If I heard a young person say something along those same lines, I would laugh. And I would do anything I could to see that person consume their first shot. Hopefully tequila or something.

And I would laugh hysterically when they almost puke.

Obviously, there are examples of people doing some pretty super-human things. The monk who sat placidly after setting himself on fire comes to mind. The Ice Man. And many others.

But the fact remains: probably something like 90% of our behavior is guided almost completely by our biology and hormones, just like any other mammal.

We aren’t the hyper-intelligent beings we believe ourselves to be, constantly running calculations and making brilliant decisions that set us apart from the apes.

We’re hungry and we eat. We’re tired and we sleep. We feel social and we seek out company.

Arguably, for the majority of people, higher-level thinking dictates almost nothing in their lives.

So yes, I’d say it’s important to strive for improvement (as almost every post in this blog demonstrates), but your goals should be pragmatic.

Idealism is inherently problematic, because we are human. We are not and can never be perfect in any way.

To deny the physiological processes that guide us every moment of every day is to deny your true nature.

And without accepting your true nature, you can’t effectively improve.

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Earned Exhaustion Feels Like Happiness, Unearned Feels like Sadness or Anxiety

This is a hard one to fully articulate. But essentially, I think that the mix of chemicals we have in our brain at certain points can be interpreted as totally different emotions.

Recently I’ve learned a lot more about dopamine and serotonin and other neurotransmitters and have come to understand them very differently.

The specific points I want to make here rely on related aspects of the two chemicals. Dopamine pushes you to act to improve your future. In general, it makes you think about the future and act now.

Serotonin, on the other hand, makes you think about the present. In general, it is produced as a reward for doing things well.

If I’m super productive all day and I get a ton done, I might be exhausted at the end of the day. But I generally feel contentment, or even happiness.

The dopamine is gone and I no longer feel like doing anything that requires effort. But since I was productive all day, I am content.

I might also be exhausted at the end of an unproductive day, however. And the feeling of having no energy to do anything while also having not gotten anything done all day is one that I generally interpret as sadness or anxiety.

So what is the difference between the two?

I think either way, you’re out of your dopamine. You don’t have the “energy” to get things done.

It’s possible that after a successful day, you receive more serotonin, and that’s what makes you content.

I would argue, though, that it’s possible the mix of neurotransmitters in your brain is exactly the same. That the only difference in terms of how you feel is simply due to differences in how you interpret how you are feeling.

They say that tons of emotions are just different interpretations of the same things. Nervousness and excitement, for example, are physiologically almost identical.

Are happiness and sadness really so different?

I think both are typically associated with a lack of energy. We think of happy people as having energy and being productive, which is likely true, but I suspect that while they are being productive, they would not describe their top emotion as “happy”.

Happiness is typically felt when you are at rest.

As is sadness. Which might explain people that seem like they are happy and positive and productive, but then describe feeling incredible sadness when they finish their day or when they are alone and resting.

Clearly there is more to it than this, and the exact combination of neurotransmitters and other chemicals in our brain that leads to different emotions is quite complicated.

But I just think it’s an interesting idea that how we interpret our emotions can make a huge difference.

For myself, I remember there was a long time where I had a lot of bad debt and I just couldn’t seem to shake it. Every time I was at rest and exhausted, I remember feeling this anxiety about it. Like, “I can’t rest because I have this huge problem”.

I can’t help but think that I still feel exactly the same way, but on days where I’ve been productive at least, I now interpret that feeling as contentment or even happiness. It’s like, “yeah, I did well today, and now I can just relax”.

Maybe it’s all part of how we, as humans, reward ourselves for a job well done, and punish ourselves for doing badly.

In my case, though, maybe I could reframe this. Maybe at the end of the day, I can focus on how I’ve been doing overall. Maybe I wasn’t productive that day, but if I can at least say that I’m on the right track in general, maybe I can always feel good.

We’ll find out!

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The Value of Friendship

I recently attended the retirement party of a long-time family friend. It was full of his friends from various areas of his life as well as many co-workers.

At one point, he pulled me aside and said,

“This feels so weird, like attending my own funeral. So many of these people I’m never going to see again.”

Several times throughout the evening, he said things over the microphone begging people to keep spending time with him in his retirement. He was so worried that he wouldn’t be able to maintain his social life after he retired.

I’m not really sure what the lesson here is, but it just really struck a chord with me. I don’t know why, but it made me sad.

Happy for him, of course, both for his successful career and also his plethora of friends. But the extent to which he was worried about losing them all really stuck out to me.

Was it just a general anxiety of transitioning into this new stage of life? What was driving that fear?

I’m not sure I can figure out a good answer here. And maybe I never will unless I retire in the same fashion.

I just hope he continues seeing all of his friends and everything works out.

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Finally Making Changes to Sleep Pattern

First of all, it is depressing to me that I haven’t posted since April 20th. A ton has happened since then and I’m a little sad that I haven’t had time to talk about any of it.

Anyway, I do have good news. I’ve made more progress in the last week to my sleep than I had in years.

Basically I started listening to the Huberman Lab podcast, and it has some excellent information and recommendations for improving sleep.

I’ve been getting up without my alarm the last few days and starting to sleep better. I’ve been up generally early and have been much more productive overall.

The key is to just tie in to a lot more physiological processes than I have been to help me develop a proper rhythm. Brute-forcing a habit hasn’t worked for me in the past and I think it’s mostly just because I didn’t understand the physiological processes that control a circadian rhythm.

So I started getting up early and actually going outside and exposing my self to the morning light, which helps set your clock for the day. Specifically, I haven’t been using my phone at all, and I’ve gone outside and hot tubbed for a bit first thing in the morning.

In addition to being great for the light reasons, it’s also just easier for me to get up and do something I enjoy vs. say, a strenuous run or something.

And then I’ve also made an effort to be outside for a bit around sunset, which also helps regulate your internal clock and circadian rhythm.

And then of course, I’m trying not to stay up too late. Falling asleep has still been a challenge but I feel like it’s getting easier every day as I fall into this new rhythm.

I’ve also been just generally much more productive, though that may literally be just because I’m getting up earlier.

I also have avoided news and entertainment sites (aren’t they the same thing at this point?) almost completely, which in turn has also made me much more calm and focused, and generally improved my mood.

All good things!

I’m really hoping I can continue all of this and just keep improving. The more I learn, the more I realize that my terrible sleep habits are likely causing lots of other problems in my life, or at the very least: preventing me from performing optimally.

So this is just one thing that’s going well, but I hope to continue improvement from here.