Category: Psychology

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Not Snoozing Alarm Should be #1 Goal

I’ve been trying for years to fix my sleep cycle. I’ve talked about it countless times in this blog.

The thought occurred to me today that maybe I’m trying to do too much. If the goal is to get up when the alarm goes off, why would I make it more difficult than that?

I don’t need to also get up really early.

I should be setting my alarm for a time when I’ve had plenty of sleep. basically the time I spend snoozing anyway should just be added to the time I expect to sleep. Then I’ll be in bed the same amount of time but actually be able to wake up when the alarm goes off.

Once I have that established, I can then work on improving my sleep schedule.

If I end up setting the alarm fairly late: no problem! There’s no need to feel guilty. It’s just temporary while I get this habit down.

Saying it now, it seems pretty obvious. I’m going to try it and see how it goes.

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I Want to Feel Obsessive Over Things Again

I recall that not too long ago, with almost every new thing I would become obsessed. I would learn a little bit about a topic and I would feel incredibly motivated to spend an incredible amount of time learning about it and practicing it.

I haven’t felt that way in a while.

I suspect that what I was feeling was a surge of effective dopamine and related neurotransmitters that made me excited and hyper-focused on the topic or activity at hand.

If that’s true, then the question is: why don’t I have that anymore?

One of my friends describes his affinity for video games as an “addiction”. When he starts playing, everything else disappears and he just has to keep going. He is extremely motivated and focused on the game.

I don’t want quite that level perhaps, but in general it is sort of what I want. I want things to utterly captivate me. I want to feel, even if fleetingly, like nothing else matters and truly dive into something like I used to.

I’ve learned a lot about dopamine and other neurotransmitters lately and specifically about things like dopamine fasts and other general ways in which you can make them more effective.

I’m already doing most of the things that are suggested like not drinking, avoiding most social media, and generally avoiding addictive-type things that give you lots of dopamine and leave you resistant to it when you need it.

It’s possible that over time, I’m going to feel everything come back and I’ll feel exactly how I did before.

If not, I think I need to put some more thought into what else I can do to help it along.

I’ve considered also that it’s possible my other regular activities are using up the dopamine in a healthy way and there just isn’t any left for other things.

For example, I workout regularly, I study a variety of things daily, and obviously I work everyday and have many habits related to that. Is it possible that these things are using it all up?

I don’t think that’s the case, but it is possible!

I think I just need to keep an eye on it and see how it goes.

If, at some point down the road, I feel like I am back to where I was, I could consider testing bringing some of my old things back and seeing if it has any effect on it. It would be interesting to see what the primary causes were.

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My Desire to go Deeper than Most Prevents Me from Learning Many Languages, Among Other Things

I’ve gotten to a point in my Spanish-learning journey that is far beyond what most American learners would ever reach. I can converse with just about anyone and my vocabulary is huge, by foreign standards.

But I still don’t feel satisfied where I’m at, to the point where I’m really hesitant to move on to another language.

I’m not sure that I’m a perfectionist, but I do have a strong desire to go deep on things and really be thorough in both my process and my results.

I’m not sure that this is a “good” or “bad” thing, but it has its positives and negatives.

It certainly allows me to accomplish things that most won’t. Most people would say “good enough” and then not go any further.

But it also limits me. The difference between being able to carry on a very basic conversation with clear-speaking native speaker and being able to converse with anyone in addition to understanding almost every word in novels is huge. In terms of a time investment, you are probably looking at 300 hours vs. more like 3000. 

I could look at my survey results and ballpark how much time I’ve actually spent learning and practicing Spanish, but I suspect I’m in the ~2000 hours range. And yet I don’t feel satisfied with where I’m at.

I’m sure this applies elsewhere, too. While I don’t have much else that I’ve actually dedicated that much time to (although I’m probably around 2000 hours for playing DotA), I think where it really affects me is that I’m hesitant to spend even minimal time on things because I feel it would be pointless without getting really good.

Whether that be sports, music, etc. While it’s just fine to really focus on certain things and get great at them, I think it’s also important to balance it out and realize that I don’t have to be great at everything. Certain things I can just enjoy even though I’m bad.

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People Usually Respond with Anger When their Dishonesty is Called Out

This is a pretty random thought I had today and it seems kind of intuitive and obvious and perhaps there is plenty of written material about it already, but… People generally respond with anger when their dishonesty is called out.

I was thinking in my head of a hypothetical situation. Let’s say something incredibly unlikely happened, especially as it pertains to human behavior.

Or better yet, I have a real example.

I was in a club in Paris a handful of years back with my friends. On this trip, I had been regularly using an over-the-top French accent based largely on Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast.

I was chatting with a French girl at the bar (in English), asking her for a drink recommendation. After one question I asked her, she responded with,

“I’m sorry, I can’t understand you. Your British accent is too strong.”

Now, this by itself is pretty funny. I’m not sure where she learned English that my accent is “too British” for her. Given that I’m from middle America.

Unfazed, I instead repeated my original question, but this time using my ridiculous French accent.

It worked!

She understood me immediately and didn’t seem to notice that I had done anything unusual.

Now, it’s kind of a strange story and there’s a lot you could unpack here. But back to my original point, I’ve told this story before and people have questioned its veracity.

I did not feel even a speck of anger at that response. I understand why people would question whether it really happened, but I know 100% that it happened exactly like that, so I have the confidence to withstand such skepticism.

And in my experience, people telling the truth virtually never respond to skepticism with anger.

Obviously, if their true story is intended to determine a course of action and people are resistant because they don’t believe it, that could be frustrating and they may get angry.

But especially in low-stakes situations, an honest person should never really be angry.

People who are lying, however, seem to get angry all the time. I assume it’s because such a strong emotional response is likely to quell any criticism. People are unlikely to press the issue seeing the response they are getting.

But like with most situations, the most emotional and heated person is probably not right.

I see a lot of videos and other content of weight lifters being questioned about whether they are “Natural” or not. Many of them respond immediately with anger when questioned about it.

Especially the ones who are obviously not natural.

But to a truly natural lifter to have people questioning, it’s actually a compliment. It means they’ve gotten so big and strong without steroids that people literally cannot believe they did it naturally.

They have the confidence that they are 100% right, and it doesn’t bother them that people question it.

I think that in general, anger or emotional reactions that seem inappropriate for the situation are extremely strong warning signs that something else is going on. Perhaps that person is lying, maybe they are hiding something, or maybe they have some other emotional issue at stake that you are unaware of.

Or I suppose they could just be really unstable, too. But I generally try to avoid those types of people!

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We Have A Sense That if Something Was Important, We’d Know About It: But It’s False

I think just about everyone (myself included) seems to have this innate sense that they already know the most important things for them to know. And it’s 100% false.

I see it in others all the time, but much more pointedly in myself. Sometimes I’ll learn some new thing in my field or wherever, and it sounds like something that would matter a lot to me.

But my first instinct is usually to discredit it or downplay its significance. It’s difficult for me to believe that there could be something so relevant and important to me that I didn’t yet know about.

I think it might be a bit of a defense mechanism. You’re protecting your fragile ego. Because otherwise, how could you justify being ignorant about something so important?

You want to believe that you are incredibly knowledgeable about the world, particularly in certain areas. And when you find out that you have this gap in your knowledge or understanding, it feels like a personal failing.

But just think about how limiting that is.

If you believe that you already know everything that’s important, or if you refuse to seek out new knowledge for fear of it making you feel dumb, then you won’t learn anything.

I think it’s important to note that we will always have gaps in our knowledge and there will always be things we don’t know that could help us tremendously. We need to accept that and, more importantly, seek those things out.

Otherwise we’ll just continue missing out on important opportunities without knowing it, and stagnate where we are.

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Intelligence Has Way Less to do with Success Than Other Factors

I wrote a post with basically the same title and premise back in January 2019 and, funny enough, I just read it as part of my regular review of old posts.

Today I’m going to present a bit of a different perspective, though it’s the same at heart.

I don’t want to give away enough details to identify this person, but I recently was thinking about how hard it is to work with someone in my life. And I put some thought into why that is.

This person isn’t dumb and isn’t unfriendly, but they are incredibly ineffective in a lot of ways. The primary reasons seem to be:

  • Lack of accountability
  • Lack of a system to organize tasks that need to be done
  • Inability to think critically and develop novel solutions
  • A sense that things outside their normal scope of care are either unimportant or outside of their control
  • General lack of initiative
  • Total lack of follow-through

These are all things that most people struggle with at some point or another. And none of them really have anything to do with intelligence (though it can help a bit).

But in the case of this person, I would say that these are the reasons they are difficult to work with and also are likely causes for any failures or lack of success they’ve had elsewhere, as well.

It could be totally different for everyone, but these are the main things I’ve seen with this person.

Everyone starts out with tons of weaknesses. Some affect them more than others. Intelligence might help solve some of those problems or improve those weaknesses, but by itself, it won’t accomplish anything.

I’m thinking now that the single most-important traits (or group of traits) is probably the ability to accurately reflect on one’s own weaknesses and to effectively improve or compensate for them.

Essentially, it’s the ability to accurately answer the question, “what’s holding me back?”

And then, of course, to figure out a way to overcome whatever the answer is.

More broadly, this could really be described as having a “growth mindset,” though I generally think of a growth mindset as being entirely internal, whereas external factors could also be holding you back and you still need to be able to overcome them.

A related trait that may be just as important is the ability to effectively identify and take advantage of the right opportunities. Sometimes there may not be anything holding you back, but you still need to be able to figure out which opportunities to pursue, and how to stick with them and pursue them effectively.

That last part is where I feel I’m weakest right now and where I really need to push forward. I’ve identified some excellent opportunities and feel I have everything in place to go after them.

I just need to do it.

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Ignoring Things to Give Them Time to Resolve vs. Being Proactive

I’ve heard two approaches to dealing with all of the tasks work and life through at you. Both seem to be championed by modern thinkers and yet they are diametrically opposed.

Supposedly Napoleon would wait a week or two before opening any letter he received. The idea was that most problems would resolve themselves, and there’s no sense wasting time on something that doesn’t actually need your help.

It makes sense when you think about it, and in my experience is absolutely true.

It’s easy to assume it’s just a terrible idea and that Napoleon happened to succeed in spite of this poor strategy. You’d think that in war, particularly, having rapid knowledge and acting on it would be a game changer. And my understanding is that it was once it was possible.

And yet, there’s some logic to it.

It is completely contrary to what I’d consider to be a considerably more popular idea among efficiency experts and self-help gurus. The idea that you need to proactively manage everything so that you avoid ever having to put out fires.

This is certainly more of the approach I’ve attempted to adopt in my life, and it does seem to be effective at making things calm and predictable and also allowing me to be as productive as possible.

It’s one of the primary components of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” and basically every clone of that book ever released. Supposedly most people are just flying by the seat of their pants and simply react to avoidable emergencies as they come along.

So what do I make of this?

I want to believe there is some kind of middle ground between the two concepts. However I think the reality may be a bit more nuanced.

I’m not sure you have to be one or the other.

Something tells me that it’s more an issue of figuring out the things that are in your control, important, and also your responsibility.

Napoleon choosing to remain ignorant of problems within his empire sort of feels like procrastination. He could have simply read the letters right away and determined that he could ignore them. Or had one of his people simply respond and say that it’s their responsibility to solve it.

Or perhaps, had he delegated and established roles and responsibilities better from the start, he would have never even received the letter to begin with because the issue would have been dealt with locally.

I think there is a very small amount of middle ground for some things, however. For example, my recent post suggesting that responding to emails within a day is just fine, and that responding in an hour is totally unnecessary.

I receive emails several times a week with people having issues with their devices or their website that they quickly resolve on their own and let me know they don’t need me.

I think there’s room for that.

But for the most part, if I’m focusing on things that are important, in my control, and my responsibility, I shouldn’t be wasting too much time on other tasks regardless.

I suspect that people who employ the Napoleon strategy really only benefit from it because they end up only putting time towards the really important things, and end up ignoring most of the distractions.

That feels like more of a side-effect than the actual intention.

I have plenty of posts discussing more about that.

So overall, I’d say I can safely ignore the Napoleon approach and focus on being proactive.

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I Feel Silly Writing About Things that Later Seem Obvious

Much of what I write here in this blog seems pretty obvious after I’ve written it. To the point where I often feel silly even saying it. I imagine others reading it and thinking, “how could you not have already realized that?”

And yet I believe it’s absolutely critical that I keep going. Maybe even more so for things that may seem obvious.

If I didn’t write about it, I may not ever figure it out. And then I would be stuck not realizing or understanding something that many deem ‘obvious’.

Presumably, that’s what most people do.

And it just makes me think… How much progress and personal development are people missing out on simply because they are too afraid to confront something that they should have known?

I’ve said before that I think most people have a tendency to be far more motivated to avoid bad feelings than to seek good ones. It’s a good recipe for getting into a comfortable situation, but not one of growth.

Self-reflection can be painful, including times when you have a revelation that makes you feel guilty or ashamed for not having it earlier.

An easy way to avoid that is to not have any revelations. To simply ignore avoid serious self-reflection of any kind and build a protective wall around yourself so that you never have to be confronted with your own inadequacies.

So even if my thoughts might not seem that novel to others, or if I feel guilty or ashamed for not having figured something out sooner, that’s okay. It’s still important progress.

After all: better late than never!

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Getting the Clients I Want OR: The Law of Attraction?

The thought came to me just now that my business has continued to grow quite well, and almost all of the business that I’ve gained is for new hosting and maintenance clients, which is actually what I want.

While we still regularly have website design projects, they are becoming less and less frequent.

Now, it doesn’t feel like I’ve actively gone out of my way to avoid website design projects. My processes are all pretty much the same for website designs and I always tell people that we do it.

If I didn’t put any more thought into it, I’d simply say that it’s the Law of Attraction. You put what you want out there and it will come to you.

And I think there’s some truth to that, but if you break it down, you can see why it works. It’s not just some mystical thing that works magically.

I put a lot of thought into how to get more hosting clients. I’ve been actively tweaking my website and marketing to better reflect that we do that. I’ve been pushing hosting and maintenance services for years, while probably downplaying design.

Meanwhile, I haven’t updated my website design portfolio in quite some time, and it needs it. That just hasn’t been a priority.

I also put a lot of work into improving our hosting services and making them as good as possible. I don’t put as much thought into design.

Little by little, both the services I provide and the quality of my messaging and marketing improves. Little changes stack up over time, to where I am now getting way more of these clients.

Maybe nothing has slipped really for website design, but all of these little things add up over time in a huge way.

And this got me thinking: just imagine how all the other little things in my life can add up over time?

The power of gradual change cannot possibly be overstated.

As long as I continue progressing and putting work into the things that are important to me, they will work out.

I just need to keep going.

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Update on Fixing my Sleep Schedule – It’s Working?

I finally have some good news about my sleep schedule. I’m doing it!

I can’t remember exactly when I most recently decided, for the nth time, to try and fix my sleep schedule, but my gut says that’s been something like 4 months, maybe more. (Update: it was September 21st, so less than 3 months ago as outlined in this post)

My main enemy is the snooze button. And in that time, I think I’ve only gone back to sleep after my alarm went off a single time, and that was because I was sick and made a conscious choice to sleep more.

I’ve been consistently getting up early, often before the alarm goes off. I’m far more productive and things are going well.

I’ve found, though, that it’s very closely related to how much I drink, which has also been much lower in that same time frame. Making sure to avoid heavy drinking days entirely seems to be fairly important to the success of this effort.

But it’s been good. In total, I’m spending way less time in bed, which gives me an extra hour or more each day to be productive.

But I also have way more energy and am just generally more productive in every way.

I’m hoping I can just keep this up and never have to go back to the way things were. I sort of feel like this has been my biggest obstacle for a long time and now I’m finally making good progress on it.