Category: Personal

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I’m Growing Tired of a life of Entertainment, and Increasingly Interested in Creation & Connection

I’ve had a variety of posts in the past that touch on some of these themes, but more than ever, I feel myself becoming less interested in simply being entertained or consumption and more interested in creating things of my own or genuine connection with others.

This is particularly evident after a night where I just stayed in and played games or watched shows or movies. If that’s all I did, the next day I always just kind of feel hollow. Like I wasted the whole day.

Conversely, when I focus on improving myself – whether that’s reading, developing a hobby like guitar or disc golf or another sport – or just socializing and connecting with others, it feels much more rewarding.

I think I’m at a point in my life now where I just really need to focus on improving myself more and getting into the habit of almost exclusively engaging in activities that are going to bring me long-term improvement and satisfaction.

And simply consuming entertainment is not going to do that.

It’s not to say I can never just enjoy things. And particularly at this moment, I feel like it still has a place as I feel like I improve after my sleep apnea diagnosis. I don’t want to be too hard on myself, and sometimes it’s totally fine to just relax and enjoy something.

But I want to continue moving towards creation and improvement. I think that is going to really help me long-term.

I want to cultivate a sense that I’m providing value to the world and to myself beyond just my job. That I am inherently talented and capable.

I suspect it may just be human nature to desire that. Regardless of why I want it, I feel that it is quite important and I’d like to achieve it.

Historically, it has often felt overwhelming to focus on anything difficult after work. It has sort of felt like just doing my work and working out were the only things I had the bandwidth for, and so the rest of the time all I could do was just enjoy entertainment.

But as my energy returns, I’m starting to feel like I can and should be doing way more than that. So that’s what I’ll do!

I’m sure similar ideas and updates on this same one will come up over time.

 

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On the Importance of Sleep

If there’s one specific topic that comes up more than any other in this blog, it’s sleep.

Time and time again I have recognized the issues with my sleep schedule and attempted to fix them, only to fail over and over again.

It’s time I finally did something about it.

I feel like I constantly have brain fog, except on days when I sleep really long. But if I sleep really long, I can’t sleep well the next night, and my problems continue.

It’s possible the implications of this are massive.

So for starters, I’m going to finally do the one thing they’ve been telling us to do for ages. I’m going to put my phone in a different room and sleep without it near me. I just bought an alarm clock and am finally going to try that out. It might make a big difference!

I’ll probably also try to minimize doing anything else in bed. Without a phone, I’m hoping it’s way easier to just get up immediately and get going. I should probably also not do anything else in bed, including reading. I might have to either read in another room or get a chair I can read in.

I think my sleep has just generally been pretty terrible, and even though I’m spending a lot of time in bed, it’s not quality sleep and as a result, my memory is terrible and I have constant brain fog.

Overall, I think I need to do all of the following things:

  • Leave phone in another room
  • Get up at the same time every day
  • Limit time in bed to like 8.5 hours
  • Don’t do anything in bed other than sleep
  • Get out of bed right away after the alarm goes off and no snoozing
  • No naps

I need to develop my circadian rhythm and I need to have quality sleep when I’m trying to sleep. Anything short of that is just going to cause serious problems for me.

I know I’ve tried similar things countless times before, but this time I’m serious. It has to happen.

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I Want to Lead a Life of Improvement and Accomplishment, not Just Enjoyment

I think the underlying concept of this post has been brewing in my mind for quite some time now, and maybe I’ve said similar things in the past. But more recently I feel that it’s come to a head.

I think I’ve been so preoccupied with my own enjoyment of the world that it has sort of distracted me from my goals.

Now, perhaps more than ever, I want to pursue grand goals and work tirelessly to achieve them. Even minor accomplishments feel more satisfying than ever, and meaningless entertainment or pleasure-seeking seems to leave me feeling more dissatisfied than ever.

Rather than lament why that is, I think it’s easier and more effective to just go with it. To start moving away from those things and, instead, really dive headfirst into accomplishing my numerous goals.

This doesn’t mean I can’t ever enjoy myself, but it does mean establishing what it will take to achieve my goals and sticking to those things.

It probably does mean avoiding some activities in favor of others. For example, I have found that nature-based activities and things that are more physically-active in general are far more rewarding than, say, just going out and drinking.

Plus they have the added benefit of being healthy and making me feel better long-term, vs. drinking which is the exact opposite.

I sort of feel like I’ve been so preoccupied with some internal things and other parts of my life in general that I’ve lost focus on my goals for quite a while now.

In the last year, specifically, I feel like I was too distracted to actually accomplish anything beyond that.

I knew that at some point I’d start feeling like I am now, and that time has come a little earlier than expected.

And I see it as a very good thing. It requires confidence, initiative, and a positive outlook to really feel motivated and disciplined enough to have this kind of focus. And those things were conspicuously absent to varying degrees for the last year.

I’m not sure if I will immediately start to turn things around but at this point I’m feeling like that should really be where my focus is.

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Why am I More Emotional about Imagined Situations than Real Ones?

I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon, and it is that I tend to get more emotional about imagined scenarios than real ones.

So, for example, maybe I imagine ahead of time what it’s going to feel like to see a friend for the first time after being apart for a really long time. I may actually tear up imagining the situation.

But then, when it actually happens, I don’t feel that emotional.

What gives? Shouldn’t a real situation be more moving that an imagined scenario?

I think one obvious explanation is that almost as nothing is as enjoyable or moving as we think it’s going to be. It has been well-documented in studies that most experiences don’t live up to people’s expectations for them.

Funny enough, though, I believe their recollection of those events may actually be more consistent with their original expectations, even though their experience in the moment didn’t live up to them.

I don’t think that’s the full explanation, though. For one thing, just because you have high expectations for something, doesn’t really mean that you’ll feel the full effect simply imagining it.

I think a major component is probably that I’m a lot more inhibited when I’m with people. That may very well be everyone.

I’m realizing more and more, though, that specific people may also make you particularly inhibited. Especially if they have some negative influence on you. For example, I suspect that most of my experiences spent during bad stretches of failing relationships were probably not nearly as enjoyable as I had hoped, because I was emotionally numb as a result of the tension with that other person.

But like most people, I suspect I am more inhibited with anyone than I would be alone. I think that’s mostly normal.

It would be nice to be a lot less inhibited with people I trust, though. So that might be an area I can explore a bit more.

I don’t think that I’m necessarily all that inhibited in my words or actions, but I do think there’s a strong emotional inhibition. I’m not exactly sure why that is, but I think it’s something I will definitely explore in a future post.

I’ll think more about that and write about it!

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Why I Get Anxious when I’m Alone

So this blog premise was marked down a while back – I suspect earlier this year. I don’t even feel like it’s that relevant anymore, but I thought it would be interesting to write about it in hindsight.

As established elsewhere, I have since determined that I’ve been depressed much of the time over the last handful of years. I’ve also determined that the primary cause of this depression was a deep-seated insecurity and feeling of inadequacy.

Increasingly, this had manifested as a sinking feeling in my stomach along with anxiety and other depressive symptoms.

I think it’s very common for these types of insecurities to be dealt with by simply repressing them. The more successfully you can repress them, the better you feel. Its temporary impact is lessened and you can more readily enjoy whatever you’re doing.

Clearly, this is not permanently sustainable and eventually results in things like full-blown depression and anhedonia.

In my case I think that when I was alone I was forced to confront it. I wasn’t able to repress it any longer and the feelings came up and manifested as anxiety, among other things.

This seems pretty obvious to me now. It definitely wasn’t then. It’s actually pretty amazing how effective it has been for me to just methodically work through all these things on my own. With the insights I’ve made, I feel like most of my behavior and feelings in the past can be easily explained.

I’m also excited to realize that most of this insecurity has pretty much gone away. I rarely feel like I used to.

It’s as if simply shining a light on the problem made it go away. It used to thrive in the shadows but now that I’m aware of it and can rationally determine that it doesn’t even make sense, it’s a lot easier to make it go away.

So I really just wanted to address this particular blog prompt because I think it’s just quite interesting how things have changed in a relatively short amount of time. It’s nice to feel like progress has been made.

It’s also just fun to realize that something that seemed super mysterious and perplexing just a few short months ago is now so obvious to me.

 

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I Think I Need to Eliminate the Consumption of All Short-Form Content

Over the last few years, I’ve tried optimizing a number of things. I’ve identified tons of things that are “bad” and done everything I can to maximize productivity, happiness, and enjoyment.

I’ve had mixed results, and have often been left with things that just don’t quite line up with my understanding of how everything should work.

I’ve now come to the conclusion that short-form content of just about any kind is absolutely destroying my motivation, my energy, my focus, and even my enjoyment of, well, literally everything else.

I’m not going to claim to fully understand the interaction of dopamine and other neurotransmitters here. But I believe that whether you’re binge-watching YouTube videos, scrolling through any social media feed, or even clicking through news headlines, you are using up something that is difficult to replace.

After I’ve done any of that, I feel unmotivated, and it takes a ton of work to get anything done. I also seem to have a spike in anhedonia and don’t appreciate or enjoy most things all that much.

I like to think that I’ve pretty much avoided all of these things and shouldn’t be suffering from them. But YouTube has really been the last holdout.

Since I got rid of YouTube shorts, I figured that I could just watch the “longer” videos and I’d be fine.

But I find myself jonesing for more videos. And then it becomes hard to just sit and do nothing without constantly reaching for my phone to watch more. And by then it’s too late.

The last few days, I’ve avoided even watching YouTube, and I think I’m starting to feel a lot better. I’m feeling more motivated and starting to enjoy things more.

Granted, I just got back home to Minnesota and there are lots of additional factors. But I really think this one contributes greatly.

I’m going to continue strictly avoiding all short-form content and might even start avoiding really any shows or movies for a while (other than when I’m with a friend) just to see how I feel. I think it might make a huge difference.

If it goes well, I’ll implement these things long-term. I’m pretty hopeful it will.

And even if it doesn’t: what will I have lost? Nothing. Even if these things didn’t have longer-term impacts, I feel that they have negative value just in wasting your time.

I do not need more entertainment.

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The Missing Factor: Social Routine

I’m realizing more and more how incredibly important social routine is. More than just being social, I mean having some kind of routine where you will predictably see and interact with others.

I’ve historically always eschewed all forms of routine in my life, including social routine. I’ve always liked the idea that anything could happen at any time and that I was free to take advantage of any opportunities that came up.

But I’m starting to see the value of having a kind of routine. Maybe it’s just that I’m getting older and don’t need or want limitless possibility every single day, but I think that it’s just great to have something to look forward to on a regular basis.

Having a kind of routine makes you feel stable and secure. You know what’s coming. You experienced it recently, and it was great, and now you will be experiencing it again. So you get excited.

I’m sure I’ve belittled the nature of most people to seek comfort, safety, and stability above all else, but there is certainly value in these things.

And like with all things, I think the key is balance.

With a strong foundation below you, you are more stable and that can open you up to more options. So in a sense, perhaps having the right balance of these things actually opens you up to maximum opportunity.

I don’t need or want to have recurring plans for every day of the week. But having a couple throughout the week can be great!

When I’m home, I constantly look forward to the next time we go out and play disc golf. While it isn’t strictly on the same days of the week, it is fairly regularly and tends to fall on similar days, and offers enough rigidity to keep me excited and motivated.

I also generally see most of my friends regularly enough that it feels like routine.

And of course in the fall, we have our kickball league, which offers the truest and most rigid routine I have at any point, and it’s quite enjoyable.

Here in Spain, I’ve failed to secure any kind of social routine whatsoever, and I think that has cost me.

I recently had the idea to look up casual volleyball leagues. Right at the very end of my 3-month stay.

The idea of having something on the calendar and playing volleyball once or twice per week is excellent. I would have loved to have done that. Plus I would have met people quickly and probably been invited to do other activities as well.

Alas, I did not do that. I didn’t join anything or make myself part of any kind of group.

Those things would have been great.

I’m thinking now that I should join some kind of group, club, or activity immediately when I travel to a new place. I think that kind of social routine is exactly what I would need to feel at-home and quickly amplify my social circle.

It’s too late for this trip, but I’m looking forward to trying it out the next time.

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I’ve Internalized such a Radical Sense of Personal Responsibility that I See Everything as My Fault

I’ve always been attracted to schools of thought that say you should consider everything in your control and take responsibility for everything around you because, in the end, you can only truly control yourself. So if you want different results, you need to change yourself.

And it’s an enticing message and also seems totally reasonable.

I do want to note that I think “personal responsibility” as a personal strategy can be helpful (to the extent I’m going to outline), but “personal responsibility” as public policy is disastrous at best and deeply malicious at worst. I think it’s basically just used to justify the status quo, blame the less fortunate for their problems, and codify a tiered society while freeing the ruling class from any semblance of guilt (or – ironically – responsibility).

With that out of the way, I want to highlight the primary ways in which using “personal responsibility” as a personal strategy is limited or can be actively harmful:

  1. Many things are completely out of your control and if you believe otherwise you will waste your time
  2. You’ll worry about the outcome of everything around you, feeling that those outcomes are a reflection of your own efforts and abilities
  3. You’ll blame yourself and feel a tremendous sense of guilt every time something goes wrong
  4. You might feel inadequate with your abilities or accomplishments because you are downplaying or outright denying the importance of external advantages others might have had (wealthy parents, connections, etc.)

This is honestly something I never really considered before today. While I knew there were potential pitfalls to blindly believing in “personal responsibility,” I guess I never really considered how such an ideology was hurting me.

And now I have, and I’m realizing that it’s been harmful in quite a few ways.

I think it has made me a lot more anxious. Historically I’ve always considered myself an easy-going, go-with-the-flow type of person, but I’ve felt my anxiety creeping up over the years and I think this is partly to blame.

I feel responsible for everything bad that happens around me. I always think of things I should have done to prevent it, and I treat the possibility of future bad things like a puzzle to be solved. If I just work hard enough or do things perfectly, I can avoid it.

Some of the happiest people I know are the types to not take responsibility for much of anything. They see most problems as someone else’s fault, and so aren’t bothered by them.

And that’s probably what is the most harmful to me: it’s the feeling that these bad things happen because of my own inadequacies. It’s my fault they happened, and I should have been better.

Since obviously it’s impossible to prevent bad things from happening, and many of these things are completely out of your control, this leads to a rather pointless and constant barrage against your self-esteem.

And if our only goal was productivity, you could make the case that with a crippled self-esteem, you’re going to be way less capable and get much less done in the end, defeating the purpose of “personal responsibility”.

Productivity is, of course, not our only goal. And so the damage to self-esteem matters far more than just how it affects productivity.

I think that this mindset has also hurt me in that it’s hard for me to let go of things. For every failed project, relationship, goal, or performance, I can’t help but analyze what I did wrong and ultimately blame myself.

Which: of course! That’s the whole idea.

But you can’t spend all your time thinking about your failures. In reality, they may not even be your failures. Sometimes things just happen. Some things weren’t meant to be.

While looking at everything like it’s your fault may provide useful insight so you can improve in the future, it also might not.

And more importantly: it may severely cripple your own self-image to the point where you no longer see yourself as talented or capable at all. And besides making you unhappy, it may also ruin your future chances at success.

I can’t help but still keep thinking this way, but I think it’s important to seek balance. I need to learn when to dig for insight in failures, and when to simply accept them and move on. Some failures have no lessons.

I’ve spoken before about how I think we need to be careful about the lessons we learn from our failures, but I’m just now starting to realize that one of the reasons I prefer to learn lessons from successes is because it’s just a lot better for your self-esteem. And if we want to approach things from a pragmatic perspective, we need to also consider these things because they affect future performance, too.

I’m not saying that focusing on “personal responsibility” doesn’t have benefits. What I’m saying is that it absolutely has limits. It doesn’t apply to every situation.

If, in a given situation, it’s a useful paradigm: use it! But if it doesn’t serve you then you shouldn’t.

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It’s Very Important for me to Feel Progression in My Life

This almost feels like maybe I’ve already written this same blog post before, but hopefully I didn’t.

I had the thought recently that I need to always feel like I’m progressing in something. I don’t necessarily need to be progressing in everything, but at in at least 1 or 2 areas, I do.

Self-improvement is important to me, and if you look at how I spend my time, most of my activities involve some kind of improvement. Whether it’s studying a language, going to the gym, or learning/practicing other things, I’m always trying to improve.

When I spend a lot of time on something and I don’t feel like I’m progressing, I get frustrated. It has happened time and time again with weight training, it has happened with language-learning, and it also happened – notably – last year with disc golf.

I’m not sure exactly why it is so important to me. I also don’t know whether it’s what I should truly be focusing on. Maybe I’m focusing a bit too much on the outputs rather than the inputs. If I put time in and focus on ways that will actually make me better, the outputs will come.

If I focus too much on just the results, I may get frustrated and sacrifice the quality of my training. I may even avoid the thing altogether, which obviously won’t yield results.

I don’t think it is bad to focus on progression and I’m sure I’ll always do that. But I do think it’s important to take a step back and focus more long-term on things, and also consider the context of everything. If I’m struggling overall with mental health or external factors, it will affect my progression elsewhere.

I shouldn’t get frustrated with myself for not progressing in one area when I have serious problems elsewhere.

Regardless, I think that it is simply important to acknowledge that it is, in fact, important to me to always be progressing, and make sure I’m focusing my time and energy effectively to ensure that I can do that.

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I Always Seem to Believe that there is One Thing that is Holding me Back

If you were to read through my blog posts back-to-back, you’d probably come across a general theme.

I always seem to believe that I’d be performing better, if only I fixed this one thing.

That thing, of course, changes. It might be drinking, it might be my sleeping habits, it might be my relationship, the way my business is set up, nutrition, fitness, or other self-imposed limitations.

But I always seem to believe that my true potential – not just for accomplishment but for performance – has never actually been realized.

Almost all of the things mentioned do impact my performance. And I believe I am much better for having tried to optimize all of them.

But at the end of the day… I hate to say it, but I think this is kind of it. I’m never going to be a bottomless well of energy and I’m never going to magically start performing way better than I did before.

I think at this point I basically need to accept that, and take pragmatic steps forward.

All the building blocks are there. I’ve established time and again the importance of building habits and systems that can ensure that I’m performing day in and day out.

And I’ve had lots of successes. I’ve developed lots of great habits that have, indeed, carried me through many hardships and on to various accomplishments in other areas.

But overall, I feel that there’s still a huge ebb and flow of productivity. I get motivated and I go crazy, but then I go through a rough patch and I tell myself I need to relax and take it easy because I just need to recover.

Maybe I’m just trying to do too much at once. Maybe I need to ensure that I never add on more than one thing at a time. That I just add small little things to my day that will help me move forward with various projects.

I’m not sure exactly what the answer is, but I do think that it’s important to just acknowledge that this is more or less as good as it’s going to get, and then plan accordingly.