There is a HUGE Difference Between Constructive Criticism and Criticism Intended to Hurt

I’m sort of frustrated that it took me until 36 years old to really appreciate this, but there is absolutely a huge difference between constructive criticism and criticism intended to cause pain and lower self-esteem.

I think so much of being a young man and spending time around other men is giving each other a hard time. When everyone is doing it in good faith, this can be fun, and also can be a low-stakes way to bring up genuine criticism without actually cutting the other person down.

And of course, more straightforward criticism can also be very helpful, without hurting the other person.

I think my problem is that I spent a lot of time around people whose criticism was intended to cause harm that I couldn’t really differentiate between them.

There aren’t many people left in my life that do the latter, and as a result it is much easier to identify when it’s more problematic. In general, I have cut out of my life the people who intend to hurt me.

The difference is not always incredibly obvious, though I’ve found it tends to feel a similar way, and there are usually a handful of associated aspects of how its done or the person doing it that make it clear this is what’s happening.

Genuine, constructive criticism is almost always given tactfully and with sensitivity to feelings. An emotionally intelligent individual will also typically present the criticism with some restraint, as if they are unsure that the criticism is valid.

In this way, it comes across as a mere idea, which you are free to consider and accept or dismiss. This is generally much easier for the receiving party to deal with.

Even when people are being more direct with each other and giving one another a hard time, it can still be done without the intent to cause harm or truly cutting down the recipient.

One notable characteristic of this is that the one giving the criticism is usually giving the criticism cheerfully. They may be laughing, they are probably being playful. All of this takes the edge off the criticism, allowing the recipient, once again, to accept it or dismiss it as a joke if they are more comfortable with that.

It is never done with a negative, annoyed, cutting tone.

And that brings me to the number one characteristic of criticism intended to cut you down and harm self-esteem: it is done with a negative, annoyed, cutting tone.

It’s sort of hard to describe, but there’s something incredibly specific about it. Because it’s not true exasperation. It isn’t like they are just disappointed in something you did and are just trying to help at this point.

It’s an attack.

They sense weakness, and they pounce. Their tone and words convey not that you need to fix anything, but that you should feel bad about yourself.

Here are some other things that tend to be associated with it:

  • The thing they are attacking is often a more general failing as opposed to something you can actually fix
  • They often will happy and positive and then flip a switch with startling speed, increasing the impact of their attack
  • If they do criticize something that could actually be fixed, its often something quite broad as opposed to one specific thing that you could fix right away
  • Generally the type of criticism given makes you seem foolish, stupid, reckless, or careless and makes them seem intelligent, controlled, or cool by comparison
  • The criticism is chosen carefully; it’s never about something that you clearly are more competent in
  • The criticisms may or may not be rooted in some truth, but most of the time they are in response to something that isn’t truly representative (e.g. a momentary lapse of judgement or skill, or brain fart of some kind)

At the end of the day, I believe that the cause of this type of criticism is always insecurity on the part of the attacker. They feel insecure and have found that attacking others and trying to bring them down makes them feel better about themselves.

Thinking about my past, I’ve realized that some of my friendships were characterized by tons of this type of behavior. So much so, that I actually started to internalize some of the criticism and think that it was legitimate.

But it wasn’t.

Some of the worst perpetrators even seem to go out of their way to build you up in private and give you lots of complements, but then bide their time and wait for the perfect moment to attack you to inflict the most damage. Often, this is when you’re in a larger group setting and most vulnerable, or perhaps before an important event where you could easily be thrown off.

I really got to thinking about this because I spent more time than usual with a friend lately, and while things were good at first, eventually some of this behavior came out. He started to randomly attack me.

It made me realize that I hadn’t really experienced that in a while. And I hated it.

I’ve come to realize that, even when you aren’t totally aware that it’s happening, it still makes you feel a certain way. You sort of feel confused, and self-conscious. You might feel immediately angry at the person who’s attacking you.

But it’s hard to retaliate, because – after all – it was you who made the mistake, right?

Right?

I feel like it’s easy to simply be defensive in these situations. It’s generally reasonable to point out that it was just a brief lapse.

But they’ll just double down and attack you even more if you try to defend yourself. Because it was never about logic, it was always about ego and power.

And that might leave you feeling even more confused, because deep down you know it wasn’t that big of a deal yet you are being attacked for it anyway.

I’m not totally sure what the appropriate response is. Not being friends with that person anymore might honestly be justified.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to help myself but to call it out directly the next time it happens. I don’t know how that will go. And it certainly won’t solve the original cause: the attacker being insecure. In fact, it will likely accomplish the opposite.

I suppose I could try more or less ignoring it, and then talking to them about it privately.

Since I’ve never really tried either, I don’t know how they will go.

More recently I’ve turned it back around on the attacker and pointed out how they are being whiny about stupid things that, in general, have to do with favors I’m doing them. It makes them seem petulant and unreasonable. Which, again, doesn’t solve the root cause. But at least it gets them off my back for a bit.

Either way, I won’t tolerate this behavior from people around me anymore. And fortunately, most of the people that are still in my life don’t do it.

So I don’t have to worry about it too much.

I just wish I had realized all of this like… All the way back in high school. It would have gotten me away from the wrong people far sooner, and also would have prevented much of the damage that they did.

 

Giving Anything Up Makes me Vulnerable to Slipping Elsewhere

This is one of those posts that feels a little bit like… Duh. But it’s still worth discussing.

Recently, I uninstalled the YouTube app from my phone, because I wasting way too much time using it. The goal was, of course, to not waste time on YouTube.

And I found that the first day after that, I was very anxious and had a hard time concentrating. As a result, I slipped in other areas.

It took me a long time to get going with work, and other tasks that I as trying to complete just didn’t get done.

Granted, I now know that I was also coming down with covid at the time, so it’s not entirely fair.

But even so, I think the point stands: when trying to quit something, you use up a lot of your willpower and energy and it makes other things harder.

I just need to be careful with that. I can’t let everything fall apart when I’m trying to accomplish just one thing.

I’ve also realized that I still have a social media problem. Because now I’m just using the YouTube website a lot, now that I don’t have the app. It’s not better.

I’ve tried to get my social media use down to near zero and I’ve struggled to do it. I think the addiction is actually way more powerful than anyone thought.

That’s it for now. I think I’ll try to really get rid of YouTube (and all social media) going forward.

If I Have the Right Conditions, I Thrive – What Feels like Self-Discipline Often Isn’t

I’m currently dealing with my second bout with covid. Even so, today I got up early, I got my studying in quickly, I got all my work done and was productive there, and I even added in a weight training session and a sunset walk around the neighborhood.

Many of these things – especially the physical activities – weren’t really planned. I kind of just did them.

And it made me realize that a huge percentage of my behavior is really just based upon having the right conditions. I like to believe that I’m a free-willed being that strategically uses discipline and willpower to do exactly what’s needed at any given moment.

But in reality, I’m starting to think I have more in common – day-to-day – with a hamster that just needs to have enough food, water, clean bedding, and a wheel.

I think back to times when I’ve been super productive and even gone above and beyond on extra projects, and I’m realizing that it wasn’t any extraordinary effort or careful planning or anything like that. I just… Did it. I finished all my normal tasks, and still felt like accomplishing things, so I did.

And then I think about times when I wasn’t nearly as productive. And often it’s just the case that I got to the end of the day and just had nothing left in the tank. No desire to get anything done.

Now that I’m stating all of this, it seems so incredibly obvious. And yet I feel like I’ve almost never expressed in this blog before how critical it is that I get these conditions right.

Maybe it’s because I’ve so infrequently done it, so I never really knew.

Either way, I now believe that there is almost nothing more important than setting up the right conditions for myself to thrive. These are things like:

  • Getting adequate, quality sleep (treating sleep apnea is obviously key here)
  • Not drinking much or at all
  • Keeping up with exercise (both weight training and cardio)
  • Eating well
  • Staying hydrated
  • Staying on top of work
  • Keeping my home well-maintained
  • Keeping personal relationships in order and an active social life
  • Keeping up with hobbies

Of these, the first two are probably by far the most important both short and long-term. As long as those are good, I should generally have the energy to handle all of the rest.

Now clearly, self-discipline still has its place. And energy should still be used strategically, especially for things like building effective habits. But those are all multipliers.

I feel like establishing these conditions is really the base of my productivity and well-being, from which all success – in all areas – springs. Habits, willpower, and just about everything else – including productivity “hacks” – are really just going to be multipliers beyond that.

But 0 times 1000 is still 0. So if you don’t have the base established, you’re still going nowhere.

And either way, it is far easier to establish a new habit or stay on track if all of these conditions are met. When I’m well-rested and everything else is in place, it feels like I can do anything easily. There’s far less need for discipline or “willpower”.

While improvements from treating my sleep apnea haven’t come quite as quickly as I had hoped, I’m realizing now that many of them have absolutely have come.

Before treatment, it felt like I was exhausting all my willpower every day just to do the bare minimum. I didn’t have these conditions met, and so every day was kind of a struggle.

It wasn’t immediately obvious because I wasn’t “dropping the ball” on anything critical just to keep going, but long-term I think it manifested in lack of growth and other long-term initiatives stagnating.

But now… Even while recovering from covid, things are easier than they were. I can finish everything and still have energy left for more projects.

Obviously it’s better when I’m not sick, but the point remains that I didn’t have this before. It’s very subtle in that I don’t actively “feel” super different, but my behavior is totally different. I can get so much more done, my thinking is way more clear, and really it’s just all better.

Going forward, I need to prioritize getting these conditions right nearly all of the time. That may even entail near or total teetotaling. I’ve intentionally not really placed any limitations on myself in that area since ending my year-long break, just to compare. But the results seem to be clear: the benefits do not outweigh the cost.

I haven’t made any firm decisions yet, but either way: I will be much more conscientious going forward about making sure all my conditions are met to maximize my success – in all areas.

I May Need 9 Hours of Sleep For the Foreseeable Future, and Caffeine Could be a Problem

When I started on CPAP, I had hoped that I would soon need less sleep since I would be sleeping way better. And while that may technically be true, I think I still need over 9 hours.

I spent around 5 straight days sleeping between about 7.5 and 8 hours, and I felt like I was pretty dead. I was still very tired in the morning, and waning throughout the day. I also generally lacked motivation and energy.

Last night, I slept more than 9 hours, and I do feel quite a bit better today. So for now, I’m going to try to make sure I sleep 9 or more hours each night.

I’ve also considered the possibility that caffeine may play a role. My AHI has been between about 1.5 and 2 for a couple weeks consistently. I’ve had caffeinated tea most mornings, and I’m wondering if even that small amount had an impact.

I reviewed data and realized that some of my lowest AHI nights were when I was sleeping in the alternate cabin. One notable thing about that is that I had tea every morning, but it always lacked caffeine. At the regular cabin, I still had caffeine.

It could also just be the bed, or some other environment factor. It’s hard to say at the moment.

Regardless, I think I’ll try avoiding caffeine for a while and seeing how that goes. If it leads to a lower AHI every night, I may have to forgo it permanently.

And if it turns out not to make a difference, I should consider what other factors may be leading to a higher AHI. I’d like to see if I can keep it under 0.5.

That’s it for now!

I’m Growing Tired of a life of Entertainment, and Increasingly Interested in Creation & Connection

I’ve had a variety of posts in the past that touch on some of these themes, but more than ever, I feel myself becoming less interested in simply being entertained or consumption and more interested in creating things of my own or genuine connection with others.

This is particularly evident after a night where I just stayed in and played games or watched shows or movies. If that’s all I did, the next day I always just kind of feel hollow. Like I wasted the whole day.

Conversely, when I focus on improving myself – whether that’s reading, developing a hobby like guitar or disc golf or another sport – or just socializing and connecting with others, it feels much more rewarding.

I think I’m at a point in my life now where I just really need to focus on improving myself more and getting into the habit of almost exclusively engaging in activities that are going to bring me long-term improvement and satisfaction.

And simply consuming entertainment is not going to do that.

It’s not to say I can never just enjoy things. And particularly at this moment, I feel like it still has a place as I feel like I improve after my sleep apnea diagnosis. I don’t want to be too hard on myself, and sometimes it’s totally fine to just relax and enjoy something.

But I want to continue moving towards creation and improvement. I think that is going to really help me long-term.

I want to cultivate a sense that I’m providing value to the world and to myself beyond just my job. That I am inherently talented and capable.

I suspect it may just be human nature to desire that. Regardless of why I want it, I feel that it is quite important and I’d like to achieve it.

Historically, it has often felt overwhelming to focus on anything difficult after work. It has sort of felt like just doing my work and working out were the only things I had the bandwidth for, and so the rest of the time all I could do was just enjoy entertainment.

But as my energy returns, I’m starting to feel like I can and should be doing way more than that. So that’s what I’ll do!

I’m sure similar ideas and updates on this same one will come up over time.

 

On the Importance of Sleep

If there’s one specific topic that comes up more than any other in this blog, it’s sleep.

Time and time again I have recognized the issues with my sleep schedule and attempted to fix them, only to fail over and over again.

It’s time I finally did something about it.

I feel like I constantly have brain fog, except on days when I sleep really long. But if I sleep really long, I can’t sleep well the next night, and my problems continue.

It’s possible the implications of this are massive.

So for starters, I’m going to finally do the one thing they’ve been telling us to do for ages. I’m going to put my phone in a different room and sleep without it near me. I just bought an alarm clock and am finally going to try that out. It might make a big difference!

I’ll probably also try to minimize doing anything else in bed. Without a phone, I’m hoping it’s way easier to just get up immediately and get going. I should probably also not do anything else in bed, including reading. I might have to either read in another room or get a chair I can read in.

I think my sleep has just generally been pretty terrible, and even though I’m spending a lot of time in bed, it’s not quality sleep and as a result, my memory is terrible and I have constant brain fog.

Overall, I think I need to do all of the following things:

  • Leave phone in another room
  • Get up at the same time every day
  • Limit time in bed to like 8.5 hours
  • Don’t do anything in bed other than sleep
  • Get out of bed right away after the alarm goes off and no snoozing
  • No naps

I need to develop my circadian rhythm and I need to have quality sleep when I’m trying to sleep. Anything short of that is just going to cause serious problems for me.

I know I’ve tried similar things countless times before, but this time I’m serious. It has to happen.

I Want to Lead a Life of Improvement and Accomplishment, not Just Enjoyment

I think the underlying concept of this post has been brewing in my mind for quite some time now, and maybe I’ve said similar things in the past. But more recently I feel that it’s come to a head.

I think I’ve been so preoccupied with my own enjoyment of the world that it has sort of distracted me from my goals.

Now, perhaps more than ever, I want to pursue grand goals and work tirelessly to achieve them. Even minor accomplishments feel more satisfying than ever, and meaningless entertainment or pleasure-seeking seems to leave me feeling more dissatisfied than ever.

Rather than lament why that is, I think it’s easier and more effective to just go with it. To start moving away from those things and, instead, really dive headfirst into accomplishing my numerous goals.

This doesn’t mean I can’t ever enjoy myself, but it does mean establishing what it will take to achieve my goals and sticking to those things.

It probably does mean avoiding some activities in favor of others. For example, I have found that nature-based activities and things that are more physically-active in general are far more rewarding than, say, just going out and drinking.

Plus they have the added benefit of being healthy and making me feel better long-term, vs. drinking which is the exact opposite.

I sort of feel like I’ve been so preoccupied with some internal things and other parts of my life in general that I’ve lost focus on my goals for quite a while now.

In the last year, specifically, I feel like I was too distracted to actually accomplish anything beyond that.

I knew that at some point I’d start feeling like I am now, and that time has come a little earlier than expected.

And I see it as a very good thing. It requires confidence, initiative, and a positive outlook to really feel motivated and disciplined enough to have this kind of focus. And those things were conspicuously absent to varying degrees for the last year.

I’m not sure if I will immediately start to turn things around but at this point I’m feeling like that should really be where my focus is.

Why am I More Emotional about Imagined Situations than Real Ones?

I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon, and it is that I tend to get more emotional about imagined scenarios than real ones.

So, for example, maybe I imagine ahead of time what it’s going to feel like to see a friend for the first time after being apart for a really long time. I may actually tear up imagining the situation.

But then, when it actually happens, I don’t feel that emotional.

What gives? Shouldn’t a real situation be more moving that an imagined scenario?

I think one obvious explanation is that almost as nothing is as enjoyable or moving as we think it’s going to be. It has been well-documented in studies that most experiences don’t live up to people’s expectations for them.

Funny enough, though, I believe their recollection of those events may actually be more consistent with their original expectations, even though their experience in the moment didn’t live up to them.

I don’t think that’s the full explanation, though. For one thing, just because you have high expectations for something, doesn’t really mean that you’ll feel the full effect simply imagining it.

I think a major component is probably that I’m a lot more inhibited when I’m with people. That may very well be everyone.

I’m realizing more and more, though, that specific people may also make you particularly inhibited. Especially if they have some negative influence on you. For example, I suspect that most of my experiences spent during bad stretches of failing relationships were probably not nearly as enjoyable as I had hoped, because I was emotionally numb as a result of the tension with that other person.

But like most people, I suspect I am more inhibited with anyone than I would be alone. I think that’s mostly normal.

It would be nice to be a lot less inhibited with people I trust, though. So that might be an area I can explore a bit more.

I don’t think that I’m necessarily all that inhibited in my words or actions, but I do think there’s a strong emotional inhibition. I’m not exactly sure why that is, but I think it’s something I will definitely explore in a future post.

I’ll think more about that and write about it!

Why I Get Anxious when I’m Alone

So this blog premise was marked down a while back – I suspect earlier this year. I don’t even feel like it’s that relevant anymore, but I thought it would be interesting to write about it in hindsight.

As established elsewhere, I have since determined that I’ve been depressed much of the time over the last handful of years. I’ve also determined that the primary cause of this depression was a deep-seated insecurity and feeling of inadequacy.

Increasingly, this had manifested as a sinking feeling in my stomach along with anxiety and other depressive symptoms.

I think it’s very common for these types of insecurities to be dealt with by simply repressing them. The more successfully you can repress them, the better you feel. Its temporary impact is lessened and you can more readily enjoy whatever you’re doing.

Clearly, this is not permanently sustainable and eventually results in things like full-blown depression and anhedonia.

In my case I think that when I was alone I was forced to confront it. I wasn’t able to repress it any longer and the feelings came up and manifested as anxiety, among other things.

This seems pretty obvious to me now. It definitely wasn’t then. It’s actually pretty amazing how effective it has been for me to just methodically work through all these things on my own. With the insights I’ve made, I feel like most of my behavior and feelings in the past can be easily explained.

I’m also excited to realize that most of this insecurity has pretty much gone away. I rarely feel like I used to.

It’s as if simply shining a light on the problem made it go away. It used to thrive in the shadows but now that I’m aware of it and can rationally determine that it doesn’t even make sense, it’s a lot easier to make it go away.

So I really just wanted to address this particular blog prompt because I think it’s just quite interesting how things have changed in a relatively short amount of time. It’s nice to feel like progress has been made.

It’s also just fun to realize that something that seemed super mysterious and perplexing just a few short months ago is now so obvious to me.

 

I Think I Need to Eliminate the Consumption of All Short-Form Content

Over the last few years, I’ve tried optimizing a number of things. I’ve identified tons of things that are “bad” and done everything I can to maximize productivity, happiness, and enjoyment.

I’ve had mixed results, and have often been left with things that just don’t quite line up with my understanding of how everything should work.

I’ve now come to the conclusion that short-form content of just about any kind is absolutely destroying my motivation, my energy, my focus, and even my enjoyment of, well, literally everything else.

I’m not going to claim to fully understand the interaction of dopamine and other neurotransmitters here. But I believe that whether you’re binge-watching YouTube videos, scrolling through any social media feed, or even clicking through news headlines, you are using up something that is difficult to replace.

After I’ve done any of that, I feel unmotivated, and it takes a ton of work to get anything done. I also seem to have a spike in anhedonia and don’t appreciate or enjoy most things all that much.

I like to think that I’ve pretty much avoided all of these things and shouldn’t be suffering from them. But YouTube has really been the last holdout.

Since I got rid of YouTube shorts, I figured that I could just watch the “longer” videos and I’d be fine.

But I find myself jonesing for more videos. And then it becomes hard to just sit and do nothing without constantly reaching for my phone to watch more. And by then it’s too late.

The last few days, I’ve avoided even watching YouTube, and I think I’m starting to feel a lot better. I’m feeling more motivated and starting to enjoy things more.

Granted, I just got back home to Minnesota and there are lots of additional factors. But I really think this one contributes greatly.

I’m going to continue strictly avoiding all short-form content and might even start avoiding really any shows or movies for a while (other than when I’m with a friend) just to see how I feel. I think it might make a huge difference.

If it goes well, I’ll implement these things long-term. I’m pretty hopeful it will.

And even if it doesn’t: what will I have lost? Nothing. Even if these things didn’t have longer-term impacts, I feel that they have negative value just in wasting your time.

I do not need more entertainment.