As documented in earlier posts, every time I move to a new city there is a period where I’m really anxious and uneasy and just struggling to enjoy my time there.
And then over time, as I explore the city more, learn what’s around and where I should go, and establish a route, I eventually relax and even grow to love the city I’m staying in.
The thought came to me on this trip that “to know is to love”.
It came to me in the context of cities, of course. Every restaurant I try, every street I go down, and every person I meet contribute to an increasing knowledge of a place and, with it: an increasing affection.
Upon further reflection, I feel that while the unknown may be enticing, you don’t love the unknown. You can only really love what you know.
So if something is new, you must learn everything you can about it and get to know it well in order to love it.
Nobody really loves anything or anyone they know nothing about.
But when you get to know someone or something, the love seems nearly perfectly correlated with your knowledge and familiarity with them.
This is somewhat related to a portion of dialogue from the movie Lady Bird:
Sister Sarah Joan : You clearly love Sacramento.
Christine ‘Lady Bird’ McPherson : I do?
Sister Sarah Joan : You write about Sacramento so affectionately and with such care.
Christine ‘Lady Bird’ McPherson : I was just describing it.
Sister Sarah Joan : Well, it comes across as love.
Christine ‘Lady Bird’ McPherson : Sure, I guess I pay attention.
Sister Sarah Joan : Don’t you think maybe they are the same thing? Love and attention?
Besides being a brilliant piece of writing and possibly the most important and moving scene in the whole film, it’s a similar point to what I’m making.
When you pay attention to things – when you get to know them – you come to love them.
So assuming that these things are all true, I feel like there are a few key insights to be considered:
- You can’t really love something you don’t know
- If you want to love (or even like) something, you have to take the time to really get to know it
- The depth of your love for something (or someone) may be limited by the depth of your understanding or knowledge of them
So in the context of visiting new cities, I think that it’s important that I put a lot of effort into understand how it works and exploring everything.
Perhaps I’ve always understood this on some level, and that’s why I’ve always prioritized meeting people and building those relationships over doing touristy stuff when I travel, which I perceive as being superficial and not great for really getting to know a place.
But I think it certainly applies to relationships as well.
You can’t truly love someone you just met. You have to really get to know them first.
And then to really get to know them, you have to pay close attention and really see them.
I have a friend that is incredible at just noticing what makes people special. I’m pretty sure I’ve written about this before. But if you ask him about any of his friends, he’s always ready with, “What I love about this friend” and then will follow up with the perfect story demonstrating what he means.
I’ve had him tell stories like that about me, and oftentimes it’s not even something I remember. To me it wasn’t important. But he noticed.
And that comes off as love.
You should always be looking for these things in other people. I’m sure I’ll never reach the level that he is able to do it, but I strive to really pay attention to others and notice what makes them special.
I’m sure these general concepts apply to a lot of things. This is really just the underlying concept.
But I want to keep this in mind and look for more examples of it in the world.