I’m not sure how much detail I’ve gone into about this in the past, but I just want to talk about one of the weirdest phenomena I’ve ever experienced.
When I live for awhile in another country, my goal is to sort of develop my own life there. And it works.
After 2-3 months, I have a whole routine. I have a gym, I have a grocery store, I have friends and people that I see regularly.
I have my own problems.
And then the moment I step through door of my house, everything completely changes.
It’s not like my experience when I first arrive somewhere outside the US, which as noted before is characterized by a period of tumultuous acclimation.
Instead, the bizarre part is that you basically open your eyes and find yourself in a state of relaxed comfort. Your problems and concerns are entirely different than they were yesterday, but there’s a broken-in familiarity to it.
It’s that lack of transition and tumult that is actually what is jarring. It’s like you’re in an episode of Black Mirror and you don’t have control over yourself. There’s a part of you in the background screaming, “why are we so okay with all this?!”
It is not inherently a problem, but it is unsettling.
Part of it may be that if we slip right back into our old life, what was the point of everything else? If we can completely disregard the people, places, and problems of our other life, are they even meaningful?
And of course they are, but therein lies the issue. They are important, so why are we simply moving on without them?
Maybe I find it a bit unsettling because it sort of feels like I’m towing all of those people and experiences in a boat behind me and simply cutting the line. And in that sense, it feels sort of like a loss. A loss of a life I once had, of relationships I once had.
So then… Why aren’t I mourning that loss?
Maybe that question is what really bothers me. It isn’t that any of it happened, it’s that I don’t seem upset.
And I’m not quite sure how to deal with that.
There’s a song in there somewhere…