It’s Better to Invite One Person than 10 – And Invite Them Early

I’ve only recently fully realized that in general, it’s much better to ask to spend time with one person than it is 10.

The thought occurred as I thought about my current (still relatively large) friend group in Minnesota. It’s often quite difficult to get any of them to come to something, let alone all of them.  We have an old group thread going at all times, and most invites are just broadcast in there to little response.

But if I message someone individually, I virtually always get a response. If I ask a friend, “hey, are you free next week to watch a movie?”, it’s near-certain that it will happen.

Unlike if I were to ask in the group thread, “anyone want to come over for a bonfire tonight?”, which typically results in nothing.

I think there are a number of reasons why this is the case which I’ll discuss, but I think the primary reason simply comes down to valuing people and making them feel special.

When you broadcast something out to a crowd, they’ll feel just like everyone else. You’re sending the message: “I’m lonely and bored” instead of the much better message, “I’d like to spend time with you.”

And that matters to people.

It feels good when someone goes out of their way to spend time with you. And you’re very likely to respond to such a request positively.

This isn’t to say that group settings aren’t fun or worth the effort, just making an observation. I enjoy very much my time even with a single friend at a time, so if my goal is to simply socialize and see my friends, I’m probably much better off reaching out personally.

I think in a lot of cases, it may even turn into hanging out with additional people even though you originally invited just one, and that’s great.

And then of course there’s the point of inviting people early.

Probably for much the same reason, people are way more likely to respond positively if you invite them early. Waiting until an evening and throwing a flyer to see if somebody wants to spend time with you sends the message that you’re just lonely and you don’t value them or their time enough to plan ahead.

But if you say, “hey, are you free next Wednesday?”, they are much more likely to respond positively and want to spend time with you.

And of course there’s the purely logistical reason that they are far less likely to already have plans if you ask ahead of time. Worst case, they could suggest a different time if they are already busy.

I definitely value my time with my friends and I think that, going forward, I’m going to try to plan at least 2-3 weekly social activities ahead of time for the entirety of the time that I’m home.

I think now I have a much better idea of how to do that.