I’ve got a close group of male friends and we keep in touch pretty closely, primarily via a WhatsApp group thread.
It can be a pretty entertaining place, but I’ve long since realized that the constant need for joking really does impede serious discourse.
It’s interesting how this type of long-term conversation can develop its own tone and even culture. There are things you can and should say, and things you can’t.
It’s not a good place to go to others for genuine help or even to plan things. The reaction to just about anything can only be described as “comedic hostile nihilism”.
That’s really the tone of the group in general, I would say.
One of my friends recently asked me about an event we might both be interested in, and he said he’d pitch the idea to the group. I warned him not to, that it’s where plans go to die.
He did it anyway, and was met with with exactly the type of response I expected.
Although, tellingly, at least one person reached out to him in private and actually said he wanted to go. This same person mocked the idea in the other thread.
That’s just what you do in the thread. You don’t demonstrate real interest in anything, you don’t show real feelings, and you turn everything into a joke.
One could argue it’s a microcosm of feigned toxic masculinity. Everyone presents a caricature of themselves. It’s parody and satire that’s gone on so long that it’s difficult to separate the actual people from their comments.
I’m not sure what the solution is or if there even needs to be a solution.
Is this just what the group dynamics of men in their mid-30s still clinging to the same friends looks like?
You could also argue that it hinders real growth, although it’s fascinating how different any of these guys is when speaking with them directly or in person. It’s almost as if this thread is a place for us to wallow in our old selves without any need for self-reflection, self-awareness, or growth.
Again, I’m not sure if it’s something that really needs to be “fixed” but it’s definitely an interesting case study.